Nigerian services + anger = Scar on face and bloody shirt

3 weeks in Nigeria and i've definitely been enjoying the Nigerian "customer service" to its fullest.

It all started when i decided to relocate back to nigeria....ok ok out with the drama.....

I decided to air cargo my stuff and i got this deal of 7 days deliver to your door guarantee. hmmmm 419 people indeed.
So after 2 weeks of when i was supposed to receive the shipment, i decided to go to the Lagos office in Ikeja myself after the guy I was dealing with kept hanging up the phone on me. (Im not sure if the guy could not speak/understand English)

So i go to this dodgy and rough place where my stuff was and meet this stupid woman called the receptionist. I told her i paid for door delivery but i decided to pick it up my self, so if she could help me organize people to carry the load into my car, I'd be grateful. The stupid woman told me she doesn't know anything about that and I should go call some Paul guy since he was the one handling my cargo. " He is for Maryland and Im for New York" she said. Mcheeeew wetin concern me ...arent y'all working for the same company? then she began reporting me to another person claiming i was shouting at her. to cut this annoying story short, I got half of my luggage and went home angry with chest pains.


Now a week later I called them and they told me my remaining load had arrived on thursday and they would deliver on friday. On Friday, the guy told me he would deliver on saturday. On monday i told him not to bother that I would come for it. I get to this dingy place again only to find out that my load had not yet arrived Nigeria. I was mad...why in the hell did they ask me to come? or tell me it was here on friday. 419 people. I got so mad that i stormed out of the building opened the car door and slammed the edge of the door right under my right eyebrow. I was so mad that I could not feel the pain. Next thing i see is my head gushing with blood and my shirt all stained with blood. My mother wanted me to rush to the hospital to get it stiched...i was scared of being sewned up so i just went to treat the wound. I now had to roam around lagos with a booboo on my face and blood stains on my shirt, adding to the blemishes on my face after the mosquito attacks. This is Lagos



Yesterday some cop abi police woman stopped me to be asking me yeye questions, only to end the 30 mins holding me up with "aunty anything for me?" I answered...you go chop banana?" I only had banana in my car to offer her. She laughed and told me to go.,

2 weeks in Lagos, the journey so far

It seems i have adjusted in Lagos to some extent thanks to my family and loved ones that have made it quite easy for me. However, there are still some things that have been driving me crazy in the 2 weeks i've been here....How do i cope?

1. Driving in Lagos. These drivers want to dash me stroke at an early age. Anytime i step out in the car to attempt to become a lagos driver.... I almost pee in my pants literally. Its amazing how every Lagos driver assumes everyone has amazing brakes.

2. Driving in Lagos when it rains. damn you are literally swimming with your car, gives me a thought for new lag vehicle/boat transportation.

3. Lagos Mosquitoes/sandflies. These mutated insects have almost killed me oh, my sexy legs are on there way to becoming blemished.....any tips, the insect repellants work a little well sha

4. When do i officially stop saying..." I just moved back from yankee" I mean ...is there a rule of thumb or something?

5. I have not really missed america yet, when would that happen?

6. and finally Lagos people are all crazy and I fast and pray not to become one of them....lol

So Long Obama

Femi B Has finally relocated to the 234 Zones ( Phew!!!!)

First things first, some house cleaning, So sorry ive been out of the sphere for so long, its unusual of me...first school, and then moving and other extra trimmings. Thanks to all those that checked on me and all those that did not.......

So in the span of when I was away....heres the few things that happened to me

- Graduated (finished my masters)
- Moved from Pennsylvania to Maryland to Nigeria
- Become Mrs emotionally sensitive

Men the first two are great, but the last one is scaring me, seems like some estrogen levels just kicked in cos femi b aint cry for shit but now its like i cry at the sigh of anything...Oprah, Americans next top model, reading some blogs, watching commercials ..i mean the weirdest things gets me all mushy. I wonder what phase im going thru, cos being a gal who would not even cry to Titanic, is now eyes balling to the silliest things. God help me.


So long Obama
I remember the first day i left Nigeria for the United States, I was so exicted and imagined what the air would look like, the sky would look like or how different the ground might be. Now leaving america, all i could think of was how I would no longer be referred to as yankee girl anymore. My wonderful title relinquished and boy would I miss walmart...yeah and my friends too.

Anyway i've begun a new life now and im about to embark on PROUDLY SERVING MY COUNTRY. NYSC.

Hope i continue blogging cos it seems like my interesting gist is diminishing

Words that I love

Last week I wrote a post on words that make me cringe when i hear them, but now I would be writing a post on words that I absolutely love.

Femi B - Of course I gotta love my name, it is destined for greatness and I can't wait to give it to my female offspring who i know would just be an amazing copy of me which would make her even greater...lol (let me be haters) Whenever I am tired of hearing people yell my name....I just yell back "I AM NOT MARRYING YOU joo"

Vagina - I think this word is so powerful in that if one said it in the midst of people, it would evoke attention and people would either whimper,smile, blush, spoil their faces in disgust...generally a serious emotion would erupt from that word unless you are some gynae who practically lives in a vagina...oops Anyway I used to be shy to say it but i have recently been liberated vocabularily (not a word) ....words can keep me down..

Chocolate covered Strawberries- I don't know it just evokes a smile at the corner or my mouth same as Whipped Cream

Stupid Fool - Best way to insult a person by using too abusive adjectives one after the other

Mega Tout - I mean I would be elated to be anything Mega..but a mega tout?...that just the epitome of touting...some serious touting skills you must possess.

Badunkadunk - No Comment

Aesthetically Pleasing- In the design world, it is a common word we use to let our clients know we went to a fancy schmancy school...I kid oh but that word can make poop look attractive

Allegedly - My favorite word of all time.... In the media world, so as not to be sued for defamation of character or false journalism.. mentioning allegedly right before the "gist" covers your ass big time.



Private thought- I have recently realized that Naija men are very confident with their bodies. I mean looking at the men in my life from my dad to nollywood men, to significant others and acquaintances.. to the naked man walking down the road ...(ok nollywood is not my life and the mad nude guy, i don't know)they all don't mind being shirtless. I am not saying being shirtless is a bad thing but i realized that here in yankee, (at least my area) these americans would not show one chest hair..lol..i mean they would no go shirtless unless there was some six pack or definition as related to abs, chest and the area leading to the groin.

However i see my naija guys just pleasure any type of viewers with their 6 pack abs, guts, man boobs, hairy chests, anything flattering or unflattering, they don't care and they are willing to share their half nakedness. Anyway im not complaining its just a private thought i had i thought i'd share.

Words that make me cringe

Men, I have been MIA for a while. I am writing this thesis of mine, that if I put the topic up here, y'all think it was the most boring amalgamation of words ever... but i am actually having fun with it. I am so busy with it and my adviser is also being a pain in the .... Anyway, I have noticed that when talking or writing there are some words that make me cringe, blush, or get angry when I hear them. I try not to use such words and find substitutes for them. Below is a list of the words I don’t like to use or hear

Breasts – I hate that word, I’d only use it when I say chicken breast. I rather boobs, tits, teetes, bresconyan, chestices, breastices, manchesty etc

Ladies – oh my! I don’t like all that formality, it’s like someone calling me a beautiful damsel. I rather, females, girl, chic, babe, omoge, sisi,

Courtship – eww, like we are in the 13^th century in the days of Constantine IV. I mean whats wrong with the words dating, relationship, shag buddies, etc

Handset/ GSM – these are usually for my naija people. I mean what’s wrong with calling it what it is, errr.. a cell phone, mobile phone or just plane phone.

Menstrual Cycle/ Menses – just say period or aunty flo, and why the hell does it have to start with MEN.. I bet some guy coined the word to crack an insensitive joke…lol..damn females can never have their way

Deflowered (as related to virgins) – What the hell? I wonder who first considered their hymen to be a flower….well one might think the name or place sounds or looks flowery…

Machine- This is also for my naija folks, it’s a scooter or a bike etc..

Male Nurse- if theres a male nurse can we say female nurse too? ok im being too picky but hey…

Then the regular swear words like Fuck, bitch,Cunt, Nigger/nigga/niggies/nigress/niggaz, pussy, (well only if I have to describe my newly learned dance called pussy popping….its very PG13 oh)

So what are those words y’all just hate to hear or you would rather die than use the word?

PS....*Private thought*: where in the hell do all the farts go? Do they evaporate, mix with the air, mix with other farts and make fart babies (damn that would be some serious smell) or just travel to the ocean, heaven or hemisphere?

Private thoughts and Private dancing

Private thoughts

Yesterday I was doing some weird thinking and I laughed out and thanked God for private thoughts. I thought that was the best thing ever. Imagine if people could hear our thoughts...im sure most of us would be in jail. Me i know i'll be in jail for..................

So i decided to write on my facebook status...femi B is thankful for private thoughts...ha you should have seen some comments, chat messages and all i got. I don't know how private thought= dirty thoughts. I mean i could have been thankful for having a mind conversation with God or thinking about how i'd dance when i collect my chieftancy title for iyalode ajagun rocker of ......land or thoughts of my swearing in as Naijas first female president. There are so many great thoughts that could be private. Why do private thoughts have to be dirty, foul or naughty? I mean even my sister told me to go wash my head with omo detergent. Like omo can wash this mind of mine. hhmmmm that could be a great commercial..." Omo.. super blue omo..... the detergent powerful enough to wash femi B's mind"


Private dancing
I saw a comment made by afrobabe on exschoolnerd's blog suggesting she take my usual advice about dancing naked infront of the mirror with heels. I mean it's really therapeutic and im thinking about going to bottle it up and patent it so i can make money.....hmm maybe i'll make a "how to video"..lol. Anyway that got me into one of my private thoughts and wondered if guys too would benefit from the naked dancing. Well i guess if they are brave enough they might wear heels too for great posture. So Male bloggers since the naijablogger awards have used affirmative action to make y'all win some awards and putting you on blast, i'll like to take this opportunity to do a lil research on my above patent. Do you guys think it'll be therapeutic for you and what else might you suggest besides the opposite sex joining in? Just my question for you guys and women who might think they know what guys want.


When this "how to video" becomes a hit..lol this is lil AHA moment story I would tell as most fellow entrepreneurs do.

True story-I had music playing one night and decided to dance. This time I was with full clothes on and as i continued dancing in front of the mirror, i decided to put on my heels for better posture. You know those heels can give you that "drop down and get your eagle on stance". well after a couple of mins of rigorous dancing, i began to sweat profusely, so i decided to take the clothes off and Voila !!! my AHA moment. It was a total exhilarating and therapeutic experience. I also noticed I had nice legs. Hey let me compliment myself haba.

Moving back and forth

I've been thinking of moving back to Nigeria for a while now but at times, i get excited about the thought and other times, I get scared so i decided to weigh my silly options here. I'll be adding from time to time. Sometimes its the silliest things that really matter.


Reasons for moving back to Naija
1. tired of North America.... most aspects ...weather, food, taxes etc
2. I truthfully would like to give back to naija. I rather be a big fish in a lil pond than a lil fish in a lil pond...huh?
3. I miss my family
4. Im tired of America,
5. I hate the cold
6. miss naija's Sweet fruits, boli and epa (roasted plantains and peanuts sold on the street)
7. Suya and aboki stores( street corner stores)
8. beginning my path to becoming Nigeria's first female president...lol
9. I have a chieftancy title waiting for me...lol Iyalode Ajagun rocker of........land
10. wearing layers during winter..i hate it so much

Reasons to stay in america
1. Walmart
2. Walmart
3. Walmart...where in Naija would i get to buy chicken, do a pedicure , get an oil change , buy a hammer, and pepto bismo all in one place for cheap.
4. The fact that I can go anywhere at anytime of the night without worrying about armed robbers. i mean while in naija on holidays everyone is on lock and key after 8pm unless they are staying out at night for the whole night
5. Specialty stores like AC more (craft store), MAC store , Bargain shopping etc
6. Big ass bell peppers
7. NEPA
8. PHCN
9. NEPA/ PHCN (power company responsible for power cuts and black outs)
10. Heat in Nigeria
11. Road trips. i love traveling by road but not me driving, and lets face i,t there are better roads and sane drivers here
12. Restaurants...not to say there aint restaurants in naija, only that they are almost all the same... not too much variety or fine dining.
13. Things in naija are just too expensive

Submit to me boo

The word Submissive..... hmmm It seems to be most Naija men's favorite word and the only verse most of them know and remember from the bible....holding on to that passage like their manhood depended on it. This post came as a result of a statement that I made ....that both husband and wife be submissive to each other and it seemed I had over run my mouth with that statement

Below are some verses I'm sure we ladies have heard it drummed in our ears

Colossians 3:18-19 (New International Version)

Rules for Christian Households

¹⁸Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

¹⁹Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Ephesians 5:22-33 (New International Version)

Wives and Husbands

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Now Lets examine the word SUBMIT, SUBMISSIVE, SUBMISSION

Here are a list of dictionary meanings of the words above

1. unresistingly or humbly obedient
2. acknowledging one's inferiority
3. characteristic of a slave or servant;
4. characterized by tendencies to yield to the will or authority of others
5. passive
6. modest
7. Docile
8. Subdued
9. patient etc
   

So No. 1 says be humbly obedient, so are we saying only the wife is to be humbly obedient and the husband is to be proudly obedient or humbly disobedient????

No. 2 says acknowledging ones inferiority. I mean which man wants to marry an inferiority complexed wife.....does that make the man feel better about himself?

No. 3 says xteristics of a slave and servant. Well just as NO. 2 i don't think anyone wants to marry a slave or a servant or am i being naive here?

No. 4 says yielding to the will and authority. I guess you can say the man is the head of the family and he has the final say after consulting his wife. This one actually makes more sense..

No. 5 thru 9 either should not exist in a marriage (who am i to say) or both spouses should partake in the adjectives.i.e modesty should go both ways and absolutely no one should be subdued unless in fulfilling a sexual fantasy (do i hear dominatrix?)


The point I am trying to make here is that the word submissive is not cut and dry as it has been put out there. And if the bible says wifes do this ...that doesn't mean husbands shouldn't ,for instance the bible also says husbands love and honor your wives...does that mean in return the woman should not do that cos the bible specifically said it to the husbands? I know my reasoning might just be weird but i think that Sometimes, for our own selfish reasons and ego, we choose to take the bible and carve it in our own way ..quoting it to make us feel better when you know Jesus aint mean it that way.

for example

1 Corinthians 14:34 (New International Version)

³⁴women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.

IS THAT SO TODAY????

Totally random
Today for the first time, i heard about vibrating panties/pata/pioto/underwear/pant you can buy in the store that have remote controls to set the frequency.....hmmmmm Now that gives an idea for gifts for Vagina Appreciation day

Toilet seat up or down...Who wins

People...Don't you think life would be better if Men used toilet paper to dab/wipe like females do??? (during number 1)

I mean, I grew up in a house with all kinds of females and we never had the issue of toilet seat up or pee stain drama. There was no guy in the house who left the toilet seat up unless we had some non-conforming male guest. Even my dad had to go with the flow, I mean living with that many women, you better soji yourself.

Moving around and living in various places, the issue of toilet seat being up is such a big deal to me. I guess no one, male or female, wants to touch the seat to put it in the position they want.

So my intelligent advice to all MEN, so our bathroom lives would be better. Instead of flicking, shaking, tossing, jumping, wiggling, rotating or whatever y'all do to get that last drop out.....why not tear out some toilet paper and dab like we females do. You won't have to lift the toilet seat or cause some poor girl to fall in the toilet bowl. Just my little advise. I really don't think it takes away the "man" in you if you'd dab or wipe, I mean its more hygienic and you feel more dry and clean.



So my People again...Don't you think life would be better if Men used toilet paper to dab/wipe like females do??? (during number 1)


Lil Child humor

Long time ago at my church in Nigeria, I saw these to children (a boy and a girl) they probably were about 3 or 4 years old. Now they wanted to go pee and their Sunday school teacher told them to go outside and pee in the gutter...( yeah my church can be razz) So these kids go out to the gutter... the boy stands to pee while the girl hikes her balloon dress and squats to pee. Now the look on the boys face was absolutely shocking as he stares at the girl wondering... then he yell's " WHY ARE YOU WEWEING FROM YOUR BUMBUM" I mean the little boy could just not farthom why she did not stand and aim like he did. Ignorance is bliss!!!

Chivalry with Vex Money

As much of a feminist I like to proclaim, I still somewhat love some types of chivalry to its fullest (Hypocrite you might say), Anyway, I remembered growing up in Nigeria and not having to pay for anything at most outings with male friends. You only carry your "vex money" and you're good to go.

For all who don't know what vex money is... Vex money is the money you take with you just incase you decide to vex for the guy and leave him , or the guy vexes for you and he leaves you ...either way someone is vexed and there are still bills to pay or a cab ride home.

Now, I came to this so called "diaspora" lol.. that just sounds funny ...OK i came to America, and all that chivalnonsense pora bi iso ( disappeared like a fart).

My first dilemma was while in Minnesota, a couple of my male African friends had asked me to come with them to a Chinese restaurant to go eat. I said ok, and since I was going with about 4 guys, i felt there was no need for me to take vex money, even if i needed it, I did not have any money. So I went with them and when we entered the Chinese buffet (its the ones you pay first before you eat) and everyone began to do "OYO" (on your own). Chei!!! i just decided to pose and say " you know, i don't really like Chinese food and I don't want to eat here" ( you know Chinese food is too greasy and blah blah blah) . All i know is after that day, I vowed to never leave my house without some type of vex money/card and I thought to my self ...this can never happen to me in naija oh, me go out with a bunch of guys and I'll still be paying....NEVER

Anyway I have always had the school of thought not to be the only one on the receiving end all the time, at least if some dude pays 60% of the time, its my duty to match up with the remaining 40%. That's my policy and I'm sticking to it. However I have found out that this 60% -40% split only works for naija guys in the diaspora and hardly ever works for naija guys in naija. (or maybe only guys i know)

If i do like someone, I'll probably suggest to pay after about 4 dates or so...lol Anyway during my naija trip, I hung out with a couple of old male friends i had. Every time we went out, they paid and paid and paid, so after a while, I began to kinda feel like a burden..(i don't know why) but i felt the next time we went out, i'll do the paying. Now when i went ahead and did this stunt as they called it, I was heavily chastised for it and they felt that I was
1. Either trying to flaunt my money ( they totally misunderstood my broke self)
2. I was angry at them and felt i needed to insult them by paying
3. Or America has screwed with my brains

Now my people, KI NI BIG DEAL?? (WHAT THE HELL IS THE BIG DEAL?) After all, i was just trying to play my own part and besides, these are the same guys that complain about "hungry girls" always trying to suck a man dry. I mean I was a little offended that my lil gesture was ridiculed and totally misconstrued.

Another thing I've noticed is when I was in naija and you invite people to your party, as a host and celebrant...you are in charge of feeding and taking care of your guests. However in the diaspora..lol , that is not really the case. You either pay for your dinner or pay to drink alcohol...yeah some Brazilian dude threw this birthday bash some 2 weeks ago and decided to collect $10 from his guests before they entered the party.

My people abi... What is all this??? Am I alone here in my thoughts?