Nigerian services + anger = Scar on face and bloody shirt

3 weeks in Nigeria and i've definitely been enjoying the Nigerian "customer service" to its fullest.

It all started when i decided to relocate back to nigeria....ok ok out with the drama.....

I decided to air cargo my stuff and i got this deal of 7 days deliver to your door guarantee. hmmmm 419 people indeed.
So after 2 weeks of when i was supposed to receive the shipment, i decided to go to the Lagos office in Ikeja myself after the guy I was dealing with kept hanging up the phone on me. (Im not sure if the guy could not speak/understand English)

So i go to this dodgy and rough place where my stuff was and meet this stupid woman called the receptionist. I told her i paid for door delivery but i decided to pick it up my self, so if she could help me organize people to carry the load into my car, I'd be grateful. The stupid woman told me she doesn't know anything about that and I should go call some Paul guy since he was the one handling my cargo. " He is for Maryland and Im for New York" she said. Mcheeeew wetin concern me ...arent y'all working for the same company? then she began reporting me to another person claiming i was shouting at her. to cut this annoying story short, I got half of my luggage and went home angry with chest pains.


Now a week later I called them and they told me my remaining load had arrived on thursday and they would deliver on friday. On Friday, the guy told me he would deliver on saturday. On monday i told him not to bother that I would come for it. I get to this dingy place again only to find out that my load had not yet arrived Nigeria. I was mad...why in the hell did they ask me to come? or tell me it was here on friday. 419 people. I got so mad that i stormed out of the building opened the car door and slammed the edge of the door right under my right eyebrow. I was so mad that I could not feel the pain. Next thing i see is my head gushing with blood and my shirt all stained with blood. My mother wanted me to rush to the hospital to get it stiched...i was scared of being sewned up so i just went to treat the wound. I now had to roam around lagos with a booboo on my face and blood stains on my shirt, adding to the blemishes on my face after the mosquito attacks. This is Lagos



Yesterday some cop abi police woman stopped me to be asking me yeye questions, only to end the 30 mins holding me up with "aunty anything for me?" I answered...you go chop banana?" I only had banana in my car to offer her. She laughed and told me to go.,

2 weeks in Lagos, the journey so far

It seems i have adjusted in Lagos to some extent thanks to my family and loved ones that have made it quite easy for me. However, there are still some things that have been driving me crazy in the 2 weeks i've been here....How do i cope?

1. Driving in Lagos. These drivers want to dash me stroke at an early age. Anytime i step out in the car to attempt to become a lagos driver.... I almost pee in my pants literally. Its amazing how every Lagos driver assumes everyone has amazing brakes.

2. Driving in Lagos when it rains. damn you are literally swimming with your car, gives me a thought for new lag vehicle/boat transportation.

3. Lagos Mosquitoes/sandflies. These mutated insects have almost killed me oh, my sexy legs are on there way to becoming blemished.....any tips, the insect repellants work a little well sha

4. When do i officially stop saying..." I just moved back from yankee" I mean ...is there a rule of thumb or something?

5. I have not really missed america yet, when would that happen?

6. and finally Lagos people are all crazy and I fast and pray not to become one of them....lol

So Long Obama

Femi B Has finally relocated to the 234 Zones ( Phew!!!!)

First things first, some house cleaning, So sorry ive been out of the sphere for so long, its unusual of me...first school, and then moving and other extra trimmings. Thanks to all those that checked on me and all those that did not.......

So in the span of when I was away....heres the few things that happened to me

- Graduated (finished my masters)
- Moved from Pennsylvania to Maryland to Nigeria
- Become Mrs emotionally sensitive

Men the first two are great, but the last one is scaring me, seems like some estrogen levels just kicked in cos femi b aint cry for shit but now its like i cry at the sigh of anything...Oprah, Americans next top model, reading some blogs, watching commercials ..i mean the weirdest things gets me all mushy. I wonder what phase im going thru, cos being a gal who would not even cry to Titanic, is now eyes balling to the silliest things. God help me.


So long Obama
I remember the first day i left Nigeria for the United States, I was so exicted and imagined what the air would look like, the sky would look like or how different the ground might be. Now leaving america, all i could think of was how I would no longer be referred to as yankee girl anymore. My wonderful title relinquished and boy would I miss walmart...yeah and my friends too.

Anyway i've begun a new life now and im about to embark on PROUDLY SERVING MY COUNTRY. NYSC.

Hope i continue blogging cos it seems like my interesting gist is diminishing

Words that I love

Last week I wrote a post on words that make me cringe when i hear them, but now I would be writing a post on words that I absolutely love.

Femi B - Of course I gotta love my name, it is destined for greatness and I can't wait to give it to my female offspring who i know would just be an amazing copy of me which would make her even greater...lol (let me be haters) Whenever I am tired of hearing people yell my name....I just yell back "I AM NOT MARRYING YOU joo"

Vagina - I think this word is so powerful in that if one said it in the midst of people, it would evoke attention and people would either whimper,smile, blush, spoil their faces in disgust...generally a serious emotion would erupt from that word unless you are some gynae who practically lives in a vagina...oops Anyway I used to be shy to say it but i have recently been liberated vocabularily (not a word) ....words can keep me down..

Chocolate covered Strawberries- I don't know it just evokes a smile at the corner or my mouth same as Whipped Cream

Stupid Fool - Best way to insult a person by using too abusive adjectives one after the other

Mega Tout - I mean I would be elated to be anything Mega..but a mega tout?...that just the epitome of touting...some serious touting skills you must possess.

Badunkadunk - No Comment

Aesthetically Pleasing- In the design world, it is a common word we use to let our clients know we went to a fancy schmancy school...I kid oh but that word can make poop look attractive

Allegedly - My favorite word of all time.... In the media world, so as not to be sued for defamation of character or false journalism.. mentioning allegedly right before the "gist" covers your ass big time.



Private thought- I have recently realized that Naija men are very confident with their bodies. I mean looking at the men in my life from my dad to nollywood men, to significant others and acquaintances.. to the naked man walking down the road ...(ok nollywood is not my life and the mad nude guy, i don't know)they all don't mind being shirtless. I am not saying being shirtless is a bad thing but i realized that here in yankee, (at least my area) these americans would not show one chest hair..lol..i mean they would no go shirtless unless there was some six pack or definition as related to abs, chest and the area leading to the groin.

However i see my naija guys just pleasure any type of viewers with their 6 pack abs, guts, man boobs, hairy chests, anything flattering or unflattering, they don't care and they are willing to share their half nakedness. Anyway im not complaining its just a private thought i had i thought i'd share.

Words that make me cringe

Men, I have been MIA for a while. I am writing this thesis of mine, that if I put the topic up here, y'all think it was the most boring amalgamation of words ever... but i am actually having fun with it. I am so busy with it and my adviser is also being a pain in the .... Anyway, I have noticed that when talking or writing there are some words that make me cringe, blush, or get angry when I hear them. I try not to use such words and find substitutes for them. Below is a list of the words I don’t like to use or hear

Breasts – I hate that word, I’d only use it when I say chicken breast. I rather boobs, tits, teetes, bresconyan, chestices, breastices, manchesty etc

Ladies – oh my! I don’t like all that formality, it’s like someone calling me a beautiful damsel. I rather, females, girl, chic, babe, omoge, sisi,

Courtship – eww, like we are in the 13^th century in the days of Constantine IV. I mean whats wrong with the words dating, relationship, shag buddies, etc

Handset/ GSM – these are usually for my naija people. I mean what’s wrong with calling it what it is, errr.. a cell phone, mobile phone or just plane phone.

Menstrual Cycle/ Menses – just say period or aunty flo, and why the hell does it have to start with MEN.. I bet some guy coined the word to crack an insensitive joke…lol..damn females can never have their way

Deflowered (as related to virgins) – What the hell? I wonder who first considered their hymen to be a flower….well one might think the name or place sounds or looks flowery…

Machine- This is also for my naija folks, it’s a scooter or a bike etc..

Male Nurse- if theres a male nurse can we say female nurse too? ok im being too picky but hey…

Then the regular swear words like Fuck, bitch,Cunt, Nigger/nigga/niggies/nigress/niggaz, pussy, (well only if I have to describe my newly learned dance called pussy popping….its very PG13 oh)

So what are those words y’all just hate to hear or you would rather die than use the word?

PS....*Private thought*: where in the hell do all the farts go? Do they evaporate, mix with the air, mix with other farts and make fart babies (damn that would be some serious smell) or just travel to the ocean, heaven or hemisphere?

Private thoughts and Private dancing

Private thoughts

Yesterday I was doing some weird thinking and I laughed out and thanked God for private thoughts. I thought that was the best thing ever. Imagine if people could hear our thoughts...im sure most of us would be in jail. Me i know i'll be in jail for..................

So i decided to write on my facebook status...femi B is thankful for private thoughts...ha you should have seen some comments, chat messages and all i got. I don't know how private thought= dirty thoughts. I mean i could have been thankful for having a mind conversation with God or thinking about how i'd dance when i collect my chieftancy title for iyalode ajagun rocker of ......land or thoughts of my swearing in as Naijas first female president. There are so many great thoughts that could be private. Why do private thoughts have to be dirty, foul or naughty? I mean even my sister told me to go wash my head with omo detergent. Like omo can wash this mind of mine. hhmmmm that could be a great commercial..." Omo.. super blue omo..... the detergent powerful enough to wash femi B's mind"


Private dancing
I saw a comment made by afrobabe on exschoolnerd's blog suggesting she take my usual advice about dancing naked infront of the mirror with heels. I mean it's really therapeutic and im thinking about going to bottle it up and patent it so i can make money.....hmm maybe i'll make a "how to video"..lol. Anyway that got me into one of my private thoughts and wondered if guys too would benefit from the naked dancing. Well i guess if they are brave enough they might wear heels too for great posture. So Male bloggers since the naijablogger awards have used affirmative action to make y'all win some awards and putting you on blast, i'll like to take this opportunity to do a lil research on my above patent. Do you guys think it'll be therapeutic for you and what else might you suggest besides the opposite sex joining in? Just my question for you guys and women who might think they know what guys want.


When this "how to video" becomes a hit..lol this is lil AHA moment story I would tell as most fellow entrepreneurs do.

True story-I had music playing one night and decided to dance. This time I was with full clothes on and as i continued dancing in front of the mirror, i decided to put on my heels for better posture. You know those heels can give you that "drop down and get your eagle on stance". well after a couple of mins of rigorous dancing, i began to sweat profusely, so i decided to take the clothes off and Voila !!! my AHA moment. It was a total exhilarating and therapeutic experience. I also noticed I had nice legs. Hey let me compliment myself haba.

Moving back and forth

I've been thinking of moving back to Nigeria for a while now but at times, i get excited about the thought and other times, I get scared so i decided to weigh my silly options here. I'll be adding from time to time. Sometimes its the silliest things that really matter.


Reasons for moving back to Naija
1. tired of North America.... most aspects ...weather, food, taxes etc
2. I truthfully would like to give back to naija. I rather be a big fish in a lil pond than a lil fish in a lil pond...huh?
3. I miss my family
4. Im tired of America,
5. I hate the cold
6. miss naija's Sweet fruits, boli and epa (roasted plantains and peanuts sold on the street)
7. Suya and aboki stores( street corner stores)
8. beginning my path to becoming Nigeria's first female president...lol
9. I have a chieftancy title waiting for me...lol Iyalode Ajagun rocker of........land
10. wearing layers during winter..i hate it so much

Reasons to stay in america
1. Walmart
2. Walmart
3. Walmart...where in Naija would i get to buy chicken, do a pedicure , get an oil change , buy a hammer, and pepto bismo all in one place for cheap.
4. The fact that I can go anywhere at anytime of the night without worrying about armed robbers. i mean while in naija on holidays everyone is on lock and key after 8pm unless they are staying out at night for the whole night
5. Specialty stores like AC more (craft store), MAC store , Bargain shopping etc
6. Big ass bell peppers
7. NEPA
8. PHCN
9. NEPA/ PHCN (power company responsible for power cuts and black outs)
10. Heat in Nigeria
11. Road trips. i love traveling by road but not me driving, and lets face i,t there are better roads and sane drivers here
12. Restaurants...not to say there aint restaurants in naija, only that they are almost all the same... not too much variety or fine dining.
13. Things in naija are just too expensive

Submit to me boo

The word Submissive..... hmmm It seems to be most Naija men's favorite word and the only verse most of them know and remember from the bible....holding on to that passage like their manhood depended on it. This post came as a result of a statement that I made ....that both husband and wife be submissive to each other and it seemed I had over run my mouth with that statement

Below are some verses I'm sure we ladies have heard it drummed in our ears

Colossians 3:18-19 (New International Version)

Rules for Christian Households

¹⁸Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

¹⁹Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Ephesians 5:22-33 (New International Version)

Wives and Husbands

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Now Lets examine the word SUBMIT, SUBMISSIVE, SUBMISSION

Here are a list of dictionary meanings of the words above

1. unresistingly or humbly obedient
2. acknowledging one's inferiority
3. characteristic of a slave or servant;
4. characterized by tendencies to yield to the will or authority of others
5. passive
6. modest
7. Docile
8. Subdued
9. patient etc
   

So No. 1 says be humbly obedient, so are we saying only the wife is to be humbly obedient and the husband is to be proudly obedient or humbly disobedient????

No. 2 says acknowledging ones inferiority. I mean which man wants to marry an inferiority complexed wife.....does that make the man feel better about himself?

No. 3 says xteristics of a slave and servant. Well just as NO. 2 i don't think anyone wants to marry a slave or a servant or am i being naive here?

No. 4 says yielding to the will and authority. I guess you can say the man is the head of the family and he has the final say after consulting his wife. This one actually makes more sense..

No. 5 thru 9 either should not exist in a marriage (who am i to say) or both spouses should partake in the adjectives.i.e modesty should go both ways and absolutely no one should be subdued unless in fulfilling a sexual fantasy (do i hear dominatrix?)


The point I am trying to make here is that the word submissive is not cut and dry as it has been put out there. And if the bible says wifes do this ...that doesn't mean husbands shouldn't ,for instance the bible also says husbands love and honor your wives...does that mean in return the woman should not do that cos the bible specifically said it to the husbands? I know my reasoning might just be weird but i think that Sometimes, for our own selfish reasons and ego, we choose to take the bible and carve it in our own way ..quoting it to make us feel better when you know Jesus aint mean it that way.

for example

1 Corinthians 14:34 (New International Version)

³⁴women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.

IS THAT SO TODAY????

Totally random
Today for the first time, i heard about vibrating panties/pata/pioto/underwear/pant you can buy in the store that have remote controls to set the frequency.....hmmmmm Now that gives an idea for gifts for Vagina Appreciation day

Toilet seat up or down...Who wins

People...Don't you think life would be better if Men used toilet paper to dab/wipe like females do??? (during number 1)

I mean, I grew up in a house with all kinds of females and we never had the issue of toilet seat up or pee stain drama. There was no guy in the house who left the toilet seat up unless we had some non-conforming male guest. Even my dad had to go with the flow, I mean living with that many women, you better soji yourself.

Moving around and living in various places, the issue of toilet seat being up is such a big deal to me. I guess no one, male or female, wants to touch the seat to put it in the position they want.

So my intelligent advice to all MEN, so our bathroom lives would be better. Instead of flicking, shaking, tossing, jumping, wiggling, rotating or whatever y'all do to get that last drop out.....why not tear out some toilet paper and dab like we females do. You won't have to lift the toilet seat or cause some poor girl to fall in the toilet bowl. Just my little advise. I really don't think it takes away the "man" in you if you'd dab or wipe, I mean its more hygienic and you feel more dry and clean.



So my People again...Don't you think life would be better if Men used toilet paper to dab/wipe like females do??? (during number 1)


Lil Child humor

Long time ago at my church in Nigeria, I saw these to children (a boy and a girl) they probably were about 3 or 4 years old. Now they wanted to go pee and their Sunday school teacher told them to go outside and pee in the gutter...( yeah my church can be razz) So these kids go out to the gutter... the boy stands to pee while the girl hikes her balloon dress and squats to pee. Now the look on the boys face was absolutely shocking as he stares at the girl wondering... then he yell's " WHY ARE YOU WEWEING FROM YOUR BUMBUM" I mean the little boy could just not farthom why she did not stand and aim like he did. Ignorance is bliss!!!

Chivalry with Vex Money

As much of a feminist I like to proclaim, I still somewhat love some types of chivalry to its fullest (Hypocrite you might say), Anyway, I remembered growing up in Nigeria and not having to pay for anything at most outings with male friends. You only carry your "vex money" and you're good to go.

For all who don't know what vex money is... Vex money is the money you take with you just incase you decide to vex for the guy and leave him , or the guy vexes for you and he leaves you ...either way someone is vexed and there are still bills to pay or a cab ride home.

Now, I came to this so called "diaspora" lol.. that just sounds funny ...OK i came to America, and all that chivalnonsense pora bi iso ( disappeared like a fart).

My first dilemma was while in Minnesota, a couple of my male African friends had asked me to come with them to a Chinese restaurant to go eat. I said ok, and since I was going with about 4 guys, i felt there was no need for me to take vex money, even if i needed it, I did not have any money. So I went with them and when we entered the Chinese buffet (its the ones you pay first before you eat) and everyone began to do "OYO" (on your own). Chei!!! i just decided to pose and say " you know, i don't really like Chinese food and I don't want to eat here" ( you know Chinese food is too greasy and blah blah blah) . All i know is after that day, I vowed to never leave my house without some type of vex money/card and I thought to my self ...this can never happen to me in naija oh, me go out with a bunch of guys and I'll still be paying....NEVER

Anyway I have always had the school of thought not to be the only one on the receiving end all the time, at least if some dude pays 60% of the time, its my duty to match up with the remaining 40%. That's my policy and I'm sticking to it. However I have found out that this 60% -40% split only works for naija guys in the diaspora and hardly ever works for naija guys in naija. (or maybe only guys i know)

If i do like someone, I'll probably suggest to pay after about 4 dates or so...lol Anyway during my naija trip, I hung out with a couple of old male friends i had. Every time we went out, they paid and paid and paid, so after a while, I began to kinda feel like a burden..(i don't know why) but i felt the next time we went out, i'll do the paying. Now when i went ahead and did this stunt as they called it, I was heavily chastised for it and they felt that I was
1. Either trying to flaunt my money ( they totally misunderstood my broke self)
2. I was angry at them and felt i needed to insult them by paying
3. Or America has screwed with my brains

Now my people, KI NI BIG DEAL?? (WHAT THE HELL IS THE BIG DEAL?) After all, i was just trying to play my own part and besides, these are the same guys that complain about "hungry girls" always trying to suck a man dry. I mean I was a little offended that my lil gesture was ridiculed and totally misconstrued.

Another thing I've noticed is when I was in naija and you invite people to your party, as a host and celebrant...you are in charge of feeding and taking care of your guests. However in the diaspora..lol , that is not really the case. You either pay for your dinner or pay to drink alcohol...yeah some Brazilian dude threw this birthday bash some 2 weeks ago and decided to collect $10 from his guests before they entered the party.

My people abi... What is all this??? Am I alone here in my thoughts?

My First Tag

Hi y'all, Hope everyone had a wonderful "v" day and presidents day too. My weekend was a weekend missing naija food. ( all i'll say is I'll never ever use frozen spinach for efo riro again...)


ok tHIS IS MY FIRST EVER TAG, OR MY FIRST EVER TAG I'VE RESPONDED TOO I was tagged by Geebee

OK i think i so broke all rules because i sometimes like to be a non-conformist.

QUESTION AND ANSWER’ TAG

Q & A.

where is your cell phone? on the bed besides me

where is your significant other? on his way

your hair color? Black

your mother? Amazing

your father? Great temperament

your favorite thing? Art, Internet, colored pens

your dream last night? being pampered by my mother (weird i remember)

your dream/goal? Success from making a positive impact

the room you're in? bedroom

your hobby? listening to music while doing art and dancing in front of the mirror

where do you want to be in 6 years? naked on a beach in Taiwan...kidding I'd love to be in Kyoto

where were you last night? At a friends room

what you're not? a girly girl

one of your wish list items? a pent house glass studio overlooking an amazing view

where you grew up? Ibadan

the last thing you did? talking to my parents while taking a dump..lol

what are you wearing? sweatshirt and underwear

your tv? on

your pet? my art works

your computer? Toshiba

your mood? Relieved

missing someone? yeah a bunch

your car? Toyota Celica

something you're not wearing? Bra

favorite store? Walmart ( where else in the world would you be able to get an oil change, pedicure, buy chicken, hammer and nails at 3 am in the morning)

your summer? Enlightening, learnt more about myself..looking forward to this summer....more things to discover

love someone? Yeah ..before... i think

your favorite color?Green

when is the last time you laughed? 3o mins ago

last time you cried? 2009, when leaving my dad

are you a b*tch? Hell no

favorite past time? being 21, nah dancing in front of the mirror semi nude with heels

are you a hater or a lover? Lover..

are you genuine or fake? Genuine

any vices? plenty

pro life or wire hanger? Life

mccain or obama? Obama

pro plastic or natural? Natural

dream job? President of Nigeria/ Onilu ( band singer)

Random Love Post and a naija love letter

Hey y'all its the season of love again and i felt i needed a post for the period so bear with me ...this would be my most random post ever.


True Love
Over the xmas break when my Dad was critically ill, I looked at all the roles my mum played and I said to myself..."men I have to really love my husband to do all this shit for him" I mean after 34 years...someone should have over pissed someone off to the extent of not caring about the well being of the other...for instance .. A man who's married to a wonderful wife but maltreats his wife in anyway possible by cheating, beating... all manner of abuse and does not provide for the wife, then 30 years later, the man falls critically ill, men I trust myself...well i wont blame the woman for overdosing him with some painkillers, mixing cyanide with his coffee or flat out stepping on the oxygen tube ( I joke oh). I mean she would be very much justified....I don't condone murder or but self defence is ok. So guys treat your ladies well, cos she'll be there for you when you need her the most. (you know men die well before their wives....just a thought.)

Random Love
Today i was chatting with a friend and he said " how is your vday"? the next thing that came to mind was " do you mean how is my Vagina day"? (i really don't know how that popped into my mind) Then i thought..hmmmm what if there's actually a vagina appreciation day... I wonder how that day would be celebrated. I recommend gifts for every functioning vagina....I wonder what type of gifts though.....

Exercise Love
Ok I've been attending this Yogalates (Yoga and Pilates) class for about 2 years now. I have been somewhat faithful to it (its once a week) and i've seen some improvements in my flexibility. Anyway last year the week of valentines day, the instructor introduced some new moves that required some serious pelvic/groin region manipulations. I mean she had us in some gravity defying positions ...concentrating on flexing and stretching the pelvic region. This was the first time she had introduced these new moves and I wondered if it was a coincidence or she was preparing peoples pelvic region for new and exciting positions.( hey hey it was a thought then) But now I am convinced she is preparing her students for vals day cos..men!!! she introduced the same positions today and i felt my ass was going to tear...(sorry for being too explicit but i have to really explain my agony) I guess she only introduces these pelvic moves on the week of vals day for a genuine reason.

Letters of Love
I got this email from a polish girl with a Nigerian boyfriend, she saw my naija love letters and wanted to use them. I was happy ..hey if they can create more love..more grease to the letters, so i decided to unleash another one in yoruba. OK i kinda had these few lines a while ago..actually an ex gave them to me .(not in a romantic way oh) he helped me compose them a lil....here goes

I wont be putting any accents cos frankly..no matter how hard i try..they'd still be wrong so why bother... This would be for a girl from her guy..i guess lets call her Suliat from Ayetoro

Suliat Kan,
Mo feran re bi oyinbo tin feran ciga
Iwo ni olori oko mi
Kaka kin fi e si le..ma ya bomi lo
mo fe ki o mo pe mo wa leyin ree bii ifo
Dakun fenu kun mi lenu , pemiloruko kosi fami ni irugbon

cash ya larer
Oko afesan re....James

Translation
The one and only Suliat
I love you as the white man loves cigarettes
I am all yours
I'll die if I ever leave you
I want you to know that I am 100% behind you like _______ (ok i can't remember what that word means..someone pls help me out)
French Kiss me pls, call my name and pls pull my beard

Catch You Later
Your Fiance......Mr James


Random Question
Ok I was about to enter the elevator from the basement level going to the second floor. I was waiting for the elevator to arrive, when one teacher walked up to me and says "oh let me be lazy and keep you company"
SO my people..was he calling me LAZY for taking the elevator???? I mean i was going 2 flights now!!! Why would be be bringing his wahala and join mines.....lol

More Stories and all that jazz

Wow, this my trip to naija has made me begin to get blogging laziness...anyway I'm never a quitter so we would see how that pans out. Now speaking of "PAN" heard a new word this week and I felt i needed to share. Anyone heard of a "Pan- Sexual"..yeah thats the new word I learned oh. anyway a Pan sexual is a person who is attracted to all forms of the "sexuals" in other words such a person would do a transvestite, transsexual, transgendered, bisexual, homosexual, metrosexual, hermaphrodite, heterosexual and lots more...wow (Don't ask me how I know......someone who works in my office is one.)


One day while in Lagos, I went to pick up something from my brother-in-law on the island. Anyway, the driver and I were stuck in traffic and on getting to a zebra crossing, the driver slowed down to allow pedestrians cross the road. Now these pedestrians had gotten half way when some car drove passed (not stopping ) and almost ran them over. Seeing a perfect opportunity to yell at these useless lagos drivers since we were still stuck in traffic and the guy was in a questionable convertible. I said questionable cos men...it looked quite weird and i mean weird in a horrible way. Anyway I rolled the window down and tried yelling at the guy

Femi B: didn't you see the zebra crossing...
QCCD (Questionable Convertible Car Driver): looking back not hearing me Excuse me..what?
Femi B: I said you just passed the zebra crossing almost...
QCCD: Hello ( probably thinking i was trying to holla at him) I can't hear you
Femi B: yelling PAY ATTENTION TO THE ZEBRA CROSSING
QCCD: Huh? whats that?
Femi B: I said pay attention to the zebra crossing, you almost ran those people over ..
QCCD: (looks back and changes his accent to one conk igbo trader accent) Na.. na... na..na your papa get am?
Femi B: in anger ...OLOSHI ( stupid fool) yes now na my papa draw those lines..stupid fool

Its just funny how many people don't pay attention to road signs and all. another time i went to visit my sister at her office. Now she had been telling me to dress properly and all..(I guess she wanted to show me off, pimp me or her own weird trick to get me to kack up). Now i decided to wear a nice dress and some killer heels. Killer in the sense that men they killed me that day.

Anyway the driver decides to miss the way and drops me like 5 million blocks away from where I was going and silly me got down thinking ..yeah i can do this now....my feet won't kill me too much. Anyway by the time i got to the building about to cross the street ..I thought my feet were going to give way and i was going to die from the excruciating pains caused by the silly man who invented heels.(Im sure it was definitely a guy who invented heels,thongs, push up bras..anything that would make females a living hell)..
Ok I am standing by the zebra crossing waiting to cross the street and no one would slow down for me...i thought..haba I am almost dying... these shoes are going to make me commit suicide ..cos the next thing i did was just cross the street and not care if i was hit. At least if I was hit...the feet pains would go away. I also was not going to run across..hell no in those killer shoes ..tufiaka.
Well as I entered the street, cars began to slow down but those okada bastards.... men they were still coming in full force..but I was not bulging...I go catwalk on this zebra crossing...cos I no fit run. Anyway Okada man then begins to yell at me ..." you better comot that thing for your leg" men no one in Lagos is patient.

I'm Back and more stories

Praise the lord, I am back..my dad is much better. (He is out of the hospital recuperating) I want to thank everyone for their prayers and warm messages. They all gave me a good feeling during the trying period of my family. Men bloggville is too much

Now I am back in the states and I have a whole lotta gist about my trip. I don't even know how i would begin to spill it. I'd start with the crazy Nigerians i met during this trip...starting from the craziest.

Very obnoxious dude on the plane.

Ok there was this guy quite on the heavy side, all sweaty...wearing a dirty white t-shirt. Baggy jeans that looked like skinny jeans on him. NOw these baggy/skinny jeans was encrusted with rhinestones all on the back pocket. I am trying to take my time to give you a vivid description so you understand my plight
. Anyway this man caught everyones attention because he kept cussing and swearing at the security because some "Belgian" woman was searching him. Anyway he kept yelling throughout the terminal and even in the plane. "fuck shit this is naija..i mean what... bullshit.....yeah naija shit fuck"

Now as i arrived on the plane...i prayed to God pls lord let me not have anyone seating next to me better still let me not have this obnoxious dude seating next to me..... but alas God had plans to humor me. Now obidike (not sure if thats his name but it sounds a lot like his name)was graced to be seating next to yours truly already taking up half of my space. here goes our conversation

Obidike (on seeing me) Jesus!!
Femi B: Why did you say Jesus?....is there a problem?
Obidike: No nothing..he is my brother and I am calling on him
Femi B: Well He is my brother too ,but you seemed to have shouted Jesus in reference to me *** abi am I that beautiful??***
Obidike: my name is obidike ..(stretches his sweaty hairy arms stinking of beer) Nice to meet you
Femi B: (dying from the stench of old beer and sweat) Hello im Femi B
Obidike : I am from Anambra...where are you from?
Femi B: I am a citizen of the world...i don't reference any country.
Obi: HOw? abeg tell me...how i go fit get that kain ting....you dey work for a world organization abi which NGO (Non-profit Org.) you dey work for..abeg show me the way.
Femi B: (laughs uncontrollably) I am only joking, I am only a citizen of the world by heart
Obi: (not getting my joke) please now..tell me...how? wetin you dey do to get that kain thing...abeg now
Femi B: ( decides to continue playing the fool) well sorry they don't just give everyone...you have to walk in my shoes
Obi: (stretches forth his hand and grabs my legs to view my shoes) shey this na the shoe?
Femi B: (appalled at the nerve!!!) Abeg leave my leg wetin cause that kind thing.. and i meant shoes figuratively speaking not literally ok

Then dude goes into a whole speech of how civilization began in anambra and how anambra holds the holies of holies. anyway I decided to raise my feet and place them on the seat in front of me..only to realize..dude had a foot fetish of some sort. Straight he went for my feet and began rubbing...

Femi B: haba what is all this rubbish..( removes my leg forcefully)
Obi: ahah why you dey shakara, please put the feet back
Femi B: (looks around in the full plane for another seat...seems like i'll be seating next to a sexual predator with a foot fetish for the next 6 hours)

We kept battling with the feet and then he tries to start to rub my legs in the process. I wonder where my fire went because i for don whoze am with ifoti to gbona feli feli ( hot slap) but i just choose to be civil and warn him and remove his hand.

Then dude went to sleep and began his snoring feast. I said a quick thank you to God at least he wont disturb me again. only for his hand to be wandering to my thigh and knee trying to rub whilst in deep sleep. Haaaa wetin be this? what is going on in his dreams?? is he sleep rubbing or wetin? I removed his hand and throughout the course of the flight, maybe he did it about 3 times again.


I wondered about my reactions..was i so occupied with the thoughts of leaving my father back in Nigeria in a slightly better condition?, or the fear of what was in stake for me with my landlord since i don dey owe am rent, or school because i had prolonged my stay because of my dad. Too much in my head to want to deal with this pervert of a guy. anyway we got to France and men i ran far away from him not to be seen near him again for the rest of my life.

I kinda asked him what he did in America, because I was curious at what kind of personality he had to hold some type of job and he told me to come to his house to find out...Tufiaka...olorun maje God forbid..thats how i would go there now and then i'll meet a range of cut off human feet nicely displayed on his wall.



Thanks once again for all your messages. I wanted to try and meet some Naija bloggers whilst away but men too much hospital drama and imagine thieves also came to our house in the process. WHEN IT RAINS IN POURS!!!!!

LET ME GO AND TAKE MY ANTI-MALARIA B4 all those mosquitoes begin to send fire e-mails to me from Nigeria

Nigerias Healthcare Nigerians Healthscare

I have been thinking about moving back to Nigeria for a while now, and every time I come home for the holidays, the thoughts become stronger ...until now. Nigeria’s Healthcare system has scared me big time. It seems there are remedies for all Nigeria’s problems if you have money, but one thing you can't ignore is healthcare. One can tell me”but Femi B if you have money, you can travel out of the country and get treatment outside" But my reply is what if time and movement are huge factors? One leaving in Nigeria should just pray that they never fall really sick because.......

Here are a few problems that bothered me to the top. But I’ll give a quick synopsis

My dad is ill so we've been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now. They tell us to consider ourselves lucky because first, he is in the best hospital (UCH) in Nigeria in terms of expertise and he is in the private suite wing of the hospital (meaning he pays more he gets preferential treatment and a "hotel like" room. BULLSHIT!!!!!

1. This so called "hotel Like" room never has constant water running, we beg them to fetch water and they give us attitude. Light is never constant (a couple of times he has been administered drugs and care with the nurse placing a flash/torch light in her mouth so her hands are free to administer care to him. Nothing is handicap accessible; you literally jump out of the elevator onto the landing (that’s even if the elevator works). Equipment regularly malfunctions or there is no power to turn them on. With all these silly issues, they are charging crazy for their so called "private suite".
We’ve brought our Generator, water, toiletries, gloves and much more because they seem stingy with theirs e.g one tiny harsh toilet roll for one week.

2. Most of these nurses and in-house DR.'s don’t know what they are doing. We have to keep our own chart and document everything because they are not doing their jobs properly or they forget what drugs they've already given him. Mosquito has almost chopped me with the lack of flush doors and mosquito net. And they still charge crazy money
ok maybe their hotel like room, big enough, tv,ac, hot leaking fridge, computer &internet, private bathroom aka bathing disaster, nice paintings, automatic bed the nurses don’t know how to operate and less more..Lol.

3. Using the toilet is a disaster as one has to spread legs so as not to be hitting the sink or the shower basin, because there is no ample space. One would be thinking with this design the contractor must definitely be a retard....nothing else. everything is elevated and there are no ramps, I mean how does one who is confined to a wheel chair or a really sick person manage to enter and have good bath well well without tripping and cracking a skull or two...lol and they continue to charge crazy fees.

Then if they say we are lucky, I wonder what happens to those in the other wards and those that have not gotten money to have such "hospital Luxury". I mean I met a lady down stairs one day asking me to aid her with her son’s drug bill. I imagined it would be so high that was why she could not pay it. Then I asked her to show me the bill, it was N1, 200 ($10) men...I was humbled, I gave her the money and see how this old woman was kneeling to thank me. It’s embarrassed and saddened me a bit. I wonder how many others out there not able to afford some basic things.

Today is the last day of the year, Im thankful for family and friends, those that are praying, prayed and those who are even financially helping us too. More grease to your ashy elbows and may your elbows continue to be greased throughout 2009. Seriously, May God bless everyone tremendously, may God know your house address and may the devil loose your house address... Amen..till next year.
Have a wonderful new year everyone.

UCH Holiday

At the ending of summer this year, I had some weird thoughts about how I had a perfect family and how everyone was fine and dandy. I looked at each one of the members of my family and not one had any problem or so ever. We have never had any misfortune or any serious issue that couldn't be taken care of. I wondered if God favored my family so much because when you hear other stories of different families....... Then i thanked God and asked him to preserve this grace and mercy over my family.

Now months later, planning to come home to Nigeria for a wonderful holiday, and i came home to nights, days, holidays, birthdays and all in UCH (horrid Hosipital in Ibadan). I asked God why why why? because all i could remember was ..He has always given us grace to triumph such in due time and it seems like this nightmare does not want to end quickly especially during this festive period. I mean how depressing is xmas day in the hospital. (even the UCH staff tried to cheer us up by giving him a gift and taking a picture. I was so mad, who wants a picture remembering such nonsense)

From this experience I have been greatly humbled. I have had some serious pet peeves that now i must say i have overcome them. eg
I can never seem to stand to watch someone brush their teeth. I would almost puke. (however now, I do that for my dad and even much more. I refused to change diapers for my lovely niece because i thought it was just nasty but now i do more for my dad.

My dad is still in the hospital now and i pray daily that he gets better than even before. Tomorrow is going to be his 66th birthday and it pains me that his plan for his "jeans and mini skirt party " would be holding in UCH this year. I love my dad dearly and i believe he is the best dad i could ever have


I remember the year I was to come to the US to study. My mum had travelled and had asked my dad to make sure i got my student visa or she would hold him responsible. My dad in his busy schedule drove me to the embassy that morning and we began to queue. A couple of hours later, we realized that he had forgotten his money bag at yaba which is quite far from where the embassy was considering the traffic in Lagos. My dad suggested going back to the house, but i told him that if he went with his car, he might not be back by the time they call for me and I would not be able to pay for my visa fees and that would hold a huge problem eg not getting my visa

My dad decided to charter an okada man (dangerous commercial motorcycles) in his native attire and head to yaba and back in due time. My dad then was the chairman of Ibadan North Local govt, (like a Mayor of a county) and was also clocking 60. He told me that while crossing the 3rd mainland bridge, he used his fila (hat) to cover his face so no one would recognize him. That small act by my dad made me have the uttermost respect and love for him because i wonder if I was 60 and holding a public office, will i ever take okada (dangerous commercial motorcycles) to aid my child?????


Happy Birthday Akinbayo Olufemi Beckley. Get well soon. Aint i lucky..im named after both my mum and my dad.

We don Land

Got to Nigeria and went straight to the Hospital. Please help pray for my dad. He is really ill and in the hospital. I have a lot to say about Nigerias Healthcare system but for now, Im focused on doing all i can for my dad to be well and i'll begin my rant of my Nigerian Holiday experience, beginning with the very useless Health care we have.

Miss my blog rounds men ...... saying the internet i've been using in Nigeria is slow ......is a huge huge understatment. I mean if all were like this, I wonder how people don't smash their screens in frustration.

Original, Americanized/westernized

In a while i'd be leaving the cold of here and heading for the scorching heat of naija for a rockful xmas. I intend to keep blogging as I hope to get unlimited Internet access by God's grace. Anyway I love listening to all types of music and Nigerian music tops the list once a while. I had an argument with a friend of mine about the originality of the Nigerian music out there now. I must say the Nigerian Music industry has grown and developed in the past few years and her complaints were most of them were not original in the sense that they were copying the west in terms of music and music videos. Now I would try and be an advocate for both sides and y'all be my judge to decide the case.

Original

Or so

Being original, we could say we need to keep our culture our heritage. We need to be proud of who we are and stop copying the west on everything they do. Our Music must showcase we are Nigerians ...we are Africans. We have been brainwashed to think that parts of our culture might be "fetish". But this is only done to discredit what the west does not understand. We need to be proud of who we are and no matter what type of culture we have, it needs to be portrayed in all we do. How else can we show that we are not inferior to others if we don't portray our own and be original with what we have. 

I mean...if i want to listen to hip-hop, rap, pop, r&B etc, I would stick to the Americans because it is theirs and they know how to do it well well. We need to coin our own and let the world know. The jamaicans have their reggae, trinidad has their soca music, 

why can't we coin ours?

Westernized

Then again we could also argue in favor of the westernized music in that every other thing of our lives are mimicked around the western culture. I mean we live in an interdependent globalized world.

Language, 

We all speak some form of a western language. our native languages are not part of our national language

food, 

Well, we have incorporated a lot of westernized food in our cuisine

wedding

white wedding dresses, some ceremonies and the works are definitely not part of our culture, so does that mean we are not original or in touch with out culture

Movies

We all follow American movies, music, politics, everything

Clothes

Well our casual clothes are very much westernized.

So if we have 98% of our daily life surrounded with western culture, why cant music be part of it to. If i listen toamerican rap music and american hip hop all day, when i want to rap my own.... (garbage in garbage out).

Personally, ... I would listen to any kind of music as long as it is good (vocals, lyrics, beats/musicality) Americanized or original. As long as they are not using Beyonce's beats or Lil Wayne's hooks im ok with it. I guess it is easier to do what you know. A lot of people do not listen to the traditional music anymore and even when they have music awards in Nigeria, fuji, apala, afro juju, juju etc are all left out of the categories. So where do you want these average artiste to dig out their Africaness or Nigerianess from??

First video Rugeddy Baba ft. 9ice

Second Video Dj jimmy jatt ft. Blaise, Sasha (my high school hommie), Bouquoi, Kemistry.

Femi B

I am so busy with school and travel plans, that I feel I am loosing my blogging mojo and i have started to feel guilty. (I need my mojo back) That sounds so funny cos, i remember mojo also meaning blue film which also means porn...hmmm anyway i feel Like it is a sin now not to update kia kia. I have so much posts to do, but since my brain is all scattered from finals, I'll reserve my thoughts till when final finishes. BTW I am also going to Nigeria for a chieftancy title..yes ke I have been awarded Iyalode ajagunrocker of Blogvilleland situated in Ibadan. I kid oh but im going home for the holidays..yippee. I trust my family..one week of pampering (generator, A.C, real Pounded yam etc) then the remaining weeks doing "house girl" duties. I'll just use this post to do a lil soul searching......who femi B really is


Femi B
Pregnant women, maternity hospitals and new born babies frighten and irritate me. (i am seriously praying against it)

I am disgustingly afraid of cats..i think they'd spit in my eye and i'll go blind

My favorite past time is dancing in my room in front of the Mirror naked (completely sometimes) with heels.

I pick up hobbies as fast as i drop them....most are crafty and artistic/funny hobbies

I absolutely love dark humor. or maybe i see the humor in everything

I imagine how bloggers look like and i have been dead wrong all the time (met some bloggers over thanksgiving break...they are the nicest people ever)

I imagine the lives of people i see and play a movie of them in my head

I always wonder if my parents still have sex and if they do.....what do they do??? my parents are in their 60's

You'd be my friend for life if you can act a fool with me at a blink of an eye. (good friends/good clowns are hard to find)

I have broken my ankles four times and 2 of them were on the same day but 2 years apart. (I can be clumsy)

My ultimate retirement plan is to be a sexy onilu (band singer) i think i might just have the vocals to do fuji,,,my voice sucks but i think I can be quite nasal.

I hate driving because i hate to concentrate for a long time. (my mind likes to wonder)

I am yet to accept my brothers in law as family..nothing personal, they are very nice guys but its taking me longer to see them as family. hmmm..maybe becos i secretly feel they have broken my nice close knit family by taking my sisters away.......lol. holidays and family pics would never be the same again. lol


And lastly i think about moving back to Nigeria all the time. When ....i don't know

Women and Goldigging!!!

Now i think I am sick and tired of hearing people say..."oh you have to have money before you can open your mouth to talk to a girl" or " Women and money". All this just drives me crazy, it makes me wonder so many things. I do understand that there are some gold diggers in this world and from one of my General Psy. classes i learned that Men are more likely to marry because of Love than Money but Women are more likely to marry for Money or security than love...hmmmmmmmm

Now i would give you different scenarios and ask if these women are gold diggers or not. I would stick to "made up names" so as not to identify any race or ethnic group with anything. I'm a lover of the world..I would write one name now and people go dey fire me with cyber bullets that I am sterotyping.....lol

Seefilis is your typical girl just finishing from college and job hunting, she is approached my many but when choosing, she takes into consideration of those that would compliment her. Her parents are on her case to find a husband quick quick and she sees her friends already marrying or on the verge. There are a couple of male interests, but everyone seems to have comas and question marks.Trojayjay is still in college trying to finish his unending degree, G-sirk has been looking for a job for 4 years, and then there is Durects who apparently has a job and things are going on well with him. Now Seefilis decides to pick Durects to be her boo.... is she a Gold digger???

Herpeas is a woman who is striving for the top. She holds a master degree and has outlined her success path in life. she would not be mediocre but would strive to attain the highest level in her career. Now Herpeas and Crown have been dating since high school. Everyone had believed they'd end up getting married. However problems have aways escalated due to Crowns mediocre behavior to success. Crown enjoys his 9-5 normal job and is ok with the idea of such for the rest of his life. When Herpeas trys to talk to him about his long term career goals...he has no answer or clue. Its very obvious that if Herpeas is not making more money that Crown now, she will eventually do so in the future. Now Herpeas decides to end it all that she needs a man who would be on the same page in terms of career goals.
Is herpeas a gold digger?

Esteedis has just finished her undergraduate degree and decides to enrol into a gradaute program in the hope of finding a man while in grad school. She does not intend to work after school and hopes to be the best house wife she can be. A career is just not her cup of tea, but to be able to find such a man that would "compliment" her..she needs to strategically locate herself in places that such "potentially successful" men would be. Her mother has slaved and worked hard and got no rewards for doing such, so she inturn would like to turn the tables and 'enjoy" on behalf of her mother. Lyfestyl is looking promising as a very inteligent man in her grad class. He looks like a CEO material in the future and she plans on doing everything in her power to get him.
Is she a Gold digger?

To me I think the young girls who go for the 50+ men i believe are the only Gold diggers. Everyone likes good things. These men that are complaining that women are gold digggers..i mean if a man has 2 job offers...one offering $30,000 a year and the other with $120,000 abeg which one you go pick? One thing people should realize that it is not only 'LOVE" that keeps people together, but this does not mean one should marry solely for money. To me I intend to make my own money and be successful too...so its either you are secure enough or u strive to "out money " me.

I mean people would complain shes a gold digger then complain again that "oh she's too successful or too independent'
Abeg, bikko , ofaneh ,please which one you want...(i diverted)

Gold Digger or Not!!!!!