My Random Thoughts and Experiences

Friday, February 20, 2009

Chivalry with Vex Money

As much of a feminist I like to proclaim, I still somewhat love some types of chivalry to its fullest (Hypocrite you might say), Anyway, I remembered growing up in Nigeria and not having to pay for anything at most outings with male friends. You only carry your "vex money" and you're good to go.

For all who don't know what vex money is... Vex money is the money you take with you just incase you decide to vex for the guy and leave him , or the guy vexes for you and he leaves you ...either way someone is vexed and there are still bills to pay or a cab ride home.

Now, I came to this so called "diaspora" lol.. that just sounds funny ...OK i came to America, and all that chivalnonsense pora bi iso ( disappeared like a fart).

My first dilemma was while in Minnesota, a couple of my male African friends had asked me to come with them to a Chinese restaurant to go eat. I said ok, and since I was going with about 4 guys, i felt there was no need for me to take vex money, even if i needed it, I did not have any money. So I went with them and when we entered the Chinese buffet (its the ones you pay first before you eat) and everyone began to do "OYO" (on your own). Chei!!! i just decided to pose and say " you know, i don't really like Chinese food and I don't want to eat here" ( you know Chinese food is too greasy and blah blah blah) . All i know is after that day, I vowed to never leave my house without some type of vex money/card and I thought to my self ...this can never happen to me in naija oh, me go out with a bunch of guys and I'll still be paying....NEVER

Anyway I have always had the school of thought not to be the only one on the receiving end all the time, at least if some dude pays 60% of the time, its my duty to match up with the remaining 40%. That's my policy and I'm sticking to it. However I have found out that this 60% -40% split only works for naija guys in the diaspora and hardly ever works for naija guys in naija. (or maybe only guys i know)

If i do like someone, I'll probably suggest to pay after about 4 dates or Anyway during my naija trip, I hung out with a couple of old male friends i had. Every time we went out, they paid and paid and paid, so after a while, I began to kinda feel like a burden..(i don't know why) but i felt the next time we went out, i'll do the paying. Now when i went ahead and did this stunt as they called it, I was heavily chastised for it and they felt that I was
1. Either trying to flaunt my money ( they totally misunderstood my broke self)
2. I was angry at them and felt i needed to insult them by paying
3. Or America has screwed with my brains

Now my people, KI NI BIG DEAL?? (WHAT THE HELL IS THE BIG DEAL?) After all, i was just trying to play my own part and besides, these are the same guys that complain about "hungry girls" always trying to suck a man dry. I mean I was a little offended that my lil gesture was ridiculed and totally misconstrued.

Another thing I've noticed is when I was in naija and you invite people to your party, as a host and are in charge of feeding and taking care of your guests. However in the , that is not really the case. You either pay for your dinner or pay to drink alcohol...yeah some Brazilian dude threw this birthday bash some 2 weeks ago and decided to collect $10 from his guests before they entered the party.

My people abi... What is all this??? Am I alone here in my thoughts?


clnmike said...

No thats the way things are now adays.

The proper thing to do is if you invite a woman out regardless of what the relationship is you should pay.

But thats old school and I have come across woman who are offended by it.

Times have changed.

Funms-the rebirth said...

i remember vex money......
outside naija, its OYO...... no one sends ur a** i wonder why..... i once saw a married old couple at debenhams when i was still in london, they both stuff and paid separately...... even tho im not a hungry child, i dont expect to go shopping with my husband and have me pay for a small top i bought. haba!

Just...Toluwa said...

Yes o! OYO!

My thoughts..In the diaspora, the idea is if women are beginning to be CEO's of companies and are beginning to want to challenge men in areas that were fomerly "men only", then they should pick up the bills too. Eating out or gas bill...either!

In 9ja, they stick to being african and traditional. But it just sucks that they come here and start forming...Even back home, some younger guys are beginning to copy westerner...annoying.

bumight said...

i came to ur page to listen to music...and ended up reading the post(i was "saving" the post on my reader for a "rainy time") now i wanted to comment, and my music was interrupted! ki lo de?!

neways, everytime i went out in naija, i ALWAYS carried my vex money o, but i almost never used it.
Even with some of my naija male friends here, they'll be offended if i offered to pay.

I guess naija guys want to feel like they're "taking care of you", at the same time, they dont want u to take advantage of it. hence, they complain of girls sucking them dry.

in the "diaspora", i ALWAYS hold my vex card, cos believe me, u might have to whip it out a few times. if i go to the movies with a guy and he pays for the tickets, i pay for the popcorn/drinks.

Padosh said...

hahaa talking of diaspora, have you ever heard of someone askin gpple to pay money to enter for an engagment party? Na me send you?

RocNaija said...

Yup! I think Bumight hit the nail on its head, shoulders, knees and toes!

In naija the man is expected to be able to cater to his womans' needs..

Anywhere else.. that's considered chauvinistic/egotistic.. And everyone goes dutch!

Anonymous said...

You know what Femi love, I will take a Free meal anyday anytime. As long as he knows that I can pay. FREE MEAL, why will I vex.

mike said...

always walk around with vex money because life with men is filled with uncertainties. candid advice. $10 for a party i was invited? i cant imagine myself paying for an owambe naija party.

ChiefO said...

sometimes you need more than vex money. ask funmie she paid for two. hehehe.

seriously though, people just make stuff complicated. i hate going out with friends either male or female and after eating we start trying to figure out how much everyone has to pay. arant nonsense.

Buttercup said...

thats just the way our naija brothers have been wired o..of course theres always an exception to every rule..

as for the OYO thing in the diaspora, i think its cos the value of money is much more greater than in naija..

Dammy said...

It's no longer news that Nigerian men are the best men in the world!

9ja, is the home of hospitality. How else do you want it?

Vex money ke? Don't think you will be needing that here.

Se owa pa?

Anonymous said...

Yankee guys are mean and tight fisted jare.

Scarlet said...

lol!! Vex money is always important to avoid unecessary embarrasment!

Good Naija Girl said...

What a great topic.

I think any Nigerian man that you explain your rationale for offering to pay to, if they are someone who can listen and not jump to conclusions (lol and "let you land" as my dad says) then they should be able to hear your reasoning and say either "Ok, Femi, I see where you're coming from and it's not necessary: don't offer to pay when we're out. I love to do this." or "Ok, Femi. If it'll make you feel good I won't deny you the pleasure of paying. Now, let me find the most expensive thing on the menu since you're footing the bill!"

You're quite right that in North America it's best to be prepared to pay for your own meal at the very least when going out with someone. And also, some guys have the understanding that if the woman suggests going out, or asks the guy, then she's inviting him so she'll be paying.

I find that even when some non-Nigerians pay for your meal, it's sort of understood that you'll be paying the next meal. It's like they keep a tally: if you buy them coffee twice they'll want to make sure they pay for your coffee twice to "balance" things out. That to me takes the spontaneity out of things, and makes someting as simple as a small treat into a big deal.

Anyways, my philosophy is to be prepared to pay my own way when I go out with guys (lol not that this is omething I have to think about often). Also, if I ask anyone (usually female friends sha) out, I assume and prepare to pay for us both.

simeone said...

me thinks i like the naija guys in naija arrangement ..dont feel those diaspora gist..but there are some girl friends i have that i wont mind them picking the bills and there are others that i wont be comfortable with them taking care of the bill..if i'm a lil cash constrained,i'll eat in ma house..

doll said...

Naija boys will always be naija boys I guess.
P.S if I am being invited to a party I have to pay for hope I’l be notified in advance

Oluwadamilola said...

I always have vex money, even when I go out with my hubby. lol! I am used to it.
The only guy I go out with without vex money is my dad.

9ja pple like spending money. in the west its totally OYO. this was a big shock 4 me @ 1st, but I got use to it with time.

Geebee said...

Vex Money? Now, this one is new to me o. Well, don't mind those old skool Naija guys that feel insulted if a gurl decides to spend some money on a date. It's just stupid pride. It's no big deal. I won't mind if all girls I hang out with hold their own vex money . . . just incase I vex or my money runs out. lol.

Vera Ezimora said...


Funny reading this. I just uploaded my blog with something with similar content....the whole inviting some1 to a parry and asking them 2 pay. Nonsense!!! I no dey go oo. Forget am. Party no hungry me reach dat level.

As 4 paying.... hmmm. I'll choose option three for you and for the rest of us. Yankee don mess with our heads finish. lol

Vera Ezimora said...

Did I say I "uploaded" my blog?????


Meant to say, "updated"

Kai! Oyibo no easy oh, Femi

Naija Bloggers Awards 2009 said...


Come check it out!

Olówó said...

I was always taught to bring my vex money whether I'm in Naij or in Yankers. You are right tho, Naija guys in yankee aren't prone to pay except if you are their significant other. Sometimes I can't blame them, we women want to eat our cake and have it

LG said...

lolll@ ..." you know, i don't really like Chinese food' babes u don 4get say 'awoof dey run belle :) my vex money is always in my pata, i nor dey for e'bami sofu :)

Lolade said...

Traveling opens your mind to new ideas. Whenever I have to take out a girl in Lagos I remember how much cheaper it is sometimes outside Naija. In 9ja guys do d's our right and perhaps our cross.

Emeka Amakeze said...

Having vex money is not a bad idea but then, Naija man always takes pride in taking care of his woman or women.

Enkay said...

We were new in the city of Houston and some guy at the office offered to take us to dinner. We gladly obliged but we were astounded when the guy and his friends paid for their meal and stared at us when it seemed like we weren't forth coming with ours.

Shuo?! It took a bit but we got the message and silently brought out our wallets.

But HE was the one who invited US to dinner?!

That was the first time I discovered that if pple in 'diaspora' ask you out to lunch or dinner, you better bring your own money along, vex or not! lol!!

First time here! Nice blog.