My Random Thoughts and Experiences

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Nigerian services + anger = Scar on face and bloody shirt

3 weeks in Nigeria and i've definitely been enjoying the Nigerian "customer service" to its fullest.

It all started when i decided to relocate back to nigeria....ok ok out with the drama.....

I decided to air cargo my stuff and i got this deal of 7 days deliver to your door guarantee. hmmmm 419 people indeed.
So after 2 weeks of when i was supposed to receive the shipment, i decided to go to the Lagos office in Ikeja myself after the guy I was dealing with kept hanging up the phone on me. (Im not sure if the guy could not speak/understand English)

So i go to this dodgy and rough place where my stuff was and meet this stupid woman called the receptionist. I told her i paid for door delivery but i decided to pick it up my self, so if she could help me organize people to carry the load into my car, I'd be grateful. The stupid woman told me she doesn't know anything about that and I should go call some Paul guy since he was the one handling my cargo. " He is for Maryland and Im for New York" she said. Mcheeeew wetin concern me ...arent y'all working for the same company? then she began reporting me to another person claiming i was shouting at her. to cut this annoying story short, I got half of my luggage and went home angry with chest pains.

Now a week later I called them and they told me my remaining load had arrived on thursday and they would deliver on friday. On Friday, the guy told me he would deliver on saturday. On monday i told him not to bother that I would come for it. I get to this dingy place again only to find out that my load had not yet arrived Nigeria. I was mad...why in the hell did they ask me to come? or tell me it was here on friday. 419 people. I got so mad that i stormed out of the building opened the car door and slammed the edge of the door right under my right eyebrow. I was so mad that I could not feel the pain. Next thing i see is my head gushing with blood and my shirt all stained with blood. My mother wanted me to rush to the hospital to get it stiched...i was scared of being sewned up so i just went to treat the wound. I now had to roam around lagos with a booboo on my face and blood stains on my shirt, adding to the blemishes on my face after the mosquito attacks. This is Lagos

Yesterday some cop abi police woman stopped me to be asking me yeye questions, only to end the 30 mins holding me up with "aunty anything for me?" I go chop banana?" I only had banana in my car to offer her. She laughed and told me to go.,

Monday, July 20, 2009

2 weeks in Lagos, the journey so far

It seems i have adjusted in Lagos to some extent thanks to my family and loved ones that have made it quite easy for me. However, there are still some things that have been driving me crazy in the 2 weeks i've been here....How do i cope?

1. Driving in Lagos. These drivers want to dash me stroke at an early age. Anytime i step out in the car to attempt to become a lagos driver.... I almost pee in my pants literally. Its amazing how every Lagos driver assumes everyone has amazing brakes.

2. Driving in Lagos when it rains. damn you are literally swimming with your car, gives me a thought for new lag vehicle/boat transportation.

3. Lagos Mosquitoes/sandflies. These mutated insects have almost killed me oh, my sexy legs are on there way to becoming blemished.....any tips, the insect repellants work a little well sha

4. When do i officially stop saying..." I just moved back from yankee" I mean there a rule of thumb or something?

5. I have not really missed america yet, when would that happen?

6. and finally Lagos people are all crazy and I fast and pray not to become one of

Sunday, July 5, 2009

So Long Obama

Femi B Has finally relocated to the 234 Zones ( Phew!!!!)

First things first, some house cleaning, So sorry ive been out of the sphere for so long, its unusual of me...first school, and then moving and other extra trimmings. Thanks to all those that checked on me and all those that did not.......

So in the span of when I was away....heres the few things that happened to me

- Graduated (finished my masters)
- Moved from Pennsylvania to Maryland to Nigeria
- Become Mrs emotionally sensitive

Men the first two are great, but the last one is scaring me, seems like some estrogen levels just kicked in cos femi b aint cry for shit but now its like i cry at the sigh of anything...Oprah, Americans next top model, reading some blogs, watching commercials ..i mean the weirdest things gets me all mushy. I wonder what phase im going thru, cos being a gal who would not even cry to Titanic, is now eyes balling to the silliest things. God help me.

So long Obama
I remember the first day i left Nigeria for the United States, I was so exicted and imagined what the air would look like, the sky would look like or how different the ground might be. Now leaving america, all i could think of was how I would no longer be referred to as yankee girl anymore. My wonderful title relinquished and boy would I miss walmart...yeah and my friends too.

Anyway i've begun a new life now and im about to embark on PROUDLY SERVING MY COUNTRY. NYSC.

Hope i continue blogging cos it seems like my interesting gist is diminishing

Friday, April 3, 2009

Words that I love

Last week I wrote a post on words that make me cringe when i hear them, but now I would be writing a post on words that I absolutely love.

Femi B - Of course I gotta love my name, it is destined for greatness and I can't wait to give it to my female offspring who i know would just be an amazing copy of me which would make her even (let me be haters) Whenever I am tired of hearing people yell my name....I just yell back "I AM NOT MARRYING YOU joo"

Vagina - I think this word is so powerful in that if one said it in the midst of people, it would evoke attention and people would either whimper,smile, blush, spoil their faces in disgust...generally a serious emotion would erupt from that word unless you are some gynae who practically lives in a vagina...oops Anyway I used to be shy to say it but i have recently been liberated vocabularily (not a word) ....words can keep me down..

Chocolate covered Strawberries- I don't know it just evokes a smile at the corner or my mouth same as Whipped Cream

Stupid Fool - Best way to insult a person by using too abusive adjectives one after the other

Mega Tout - I mean I would be elated to be anything Mega..but a mega tout?...that just the epitome of touting...some serious touting skills you must possess.

Badunkadunk - No Comment

Aesthetically Pleasing- In the design world, it is a common word we use to let our clients know we went to a fancy schmancy school...I kid oh but that word can make poop look attractive

Allegedly - My favorite word of all time.... In the media world, so as not to be sued for defamation of character or false journalism.. mentioning allegedly right before the "gist" covers your ass big time.

Private thought- I have recently realized that Naija men are very confident with their bodies. I mean looking at the men in my life from my dad to nollywood men, to significant others and acquaintances.. to the naked man walking down the road ...(ok nollywood is not my life and the mad nude guy, i don't know)they all don't mind being shirtless. I am not saying being shirtless is a bad thing but i realized that here in yankee, (at least my area) these americans would not show one chest mean they would no go shirtless unless there was some six pack or definition as related to abs, chest and the area leading to the groin.

However i see my naija guys just pleasure any type of viewers with their 6 pack abs, guts, man boobs, hairy chests, anything flattering or unflattering, they don't care and they are willing to share their half nakedness. Anyway im not complaining its just a private thought i had i thought i'd share.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Words that make me cringe

Men, I have been MIA for a while. I am writing this thesis of mine, that if I put the topic up here, y'all think it was the most boring amalgamation of words ever... but i am actually having fun with it. I am so busy with it and my adviser is also being a pain in the .... Anyway, I have noticed that when talking or writing there are some words that make me cringe, blush, or get angry when I hear them. I try not to use such words and find substitutes for them. Below is a list of the words I don’t like to use or hear

Breasts – I hate that word, I’d only use it when I say chicken breast. I rather boobs, tits, teetes, bresconyan, chestices, breastices, manchesty etc

Ladies – oh my! I don’t like all that formality, it’s like someone calling me a beautiful damsel. I rather, females, girl, chic, babe, omoge, sisi,

Courtship – eww, like we are in the 13th century in the days of Constantine IV. I mean whats wrong with the words dating, relationship, shag buddies, etc

Handset/ GSM – these are usually for my naija people. I mean what’s wrong with calling it what it is, errr.. a cell phone, mobile phone or just plane phone.

Menstrual Cycle/ Menses – just say period or aunty flo, and why the hell does it have to start with MEN.. I bet some guy coined the word to crack an insensitive joke…lol..damn females can never have their way

Deflowered (as related to virgins) – What the hell? I wonder who first considered their hymen to be a flower….well one might think the name or place sounds or looks flowery…

Machine- This is also for my naija folks, it’s a scooter or a bike etc..

Male Nurse- if theres a male nurse can we say female nurse too? ok im being too picky but hey…

Then the regular swear words like Fuck, bitch,Cunt, Nigger/nigga/niggies/nigress/niggaz, pussy, (well only if I have to describe my newly learned dance called pussy popping….its very PG13 oh)

So what are those words y’all just hate to hear or you would rather die than use the word?

PS....*Private thought*: where in the hell do all the farts go? Do they evaporate, mix with the air, mix with other farts and make fart babies (damn that would be some serious smell) or just travel to the ocean, heaven or hemisphere?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Private thoughts and Private dancing

Private thoughts

Yesterday I was doing some weird thinking and I laughed out and thanked God for private thoughts. I thought that was the best thing ever. Imagine if people could hear our sure most of us would be in jail. Me i know i'll be in jail for..................

So i decided to write on my facebook status...femi B is thankful for private thoughts...ha you should have seen some comments, chat messages and all i got. I don't know how private thought= dirty thoughts. I mean i could have been thankful for having a mind conversation with God or thinking about how i'd dance when i collect my chieftancy title for iyalode ajagun rocker of or thoughts of my swearing in as Naijas first female president. There are so many great thoughts that could be private. Why do private thoughts have to be dirty, foul or naughty? I mean even my sister told me to go wash my head with omo detergent. Like omo can wash this mind of mine. hhmmmm that could be a great commercial..." Omo.. super blue omo..... the detergent powerful enough to wash femi B's mind"

Private dancing
I saw a comment made by afrobabe on exschoolnerd's blog suggesting she take my usual advice about dancing naked infront of the mirror with heels. I mean it's really therapeutic and im thinking about going to bottle it up and patent it so i can make money.....hmm maybe i'll make a "how to video" Anyway that got me into one of my private thoughts and wondered if guys too would benefit from the naked dancing. Well i guess if they are brave enough they might wear heels too for great posture. So Male bloggers since the naijablogger awards have used affirmative action to make y'all win some awards and putting you on blast, i'll like to take this opportunity to do a lil research on my above patent. Do you guys think it'll be therapeutic for you and what else might you suggest besides the opposite sex joining in? Just my question for you guys and women who might think they know what guys want.

When this "how to video" becomes a this is lil AHA moment story I would tell as most fellow entrepreneurs do.

True story-I had music playing one night and decided to dance. This time I was with full clothes on and as i continued dancing in front of the mirror, i decided to put on my heels for better posture. You know those heels can give you that "drop down and get your eagle on stance". well after a couple of mins of rigorous dancing, i began to sweat profusely, so i decided to take the clothes off and Voila !!! my AHA moment. It was a total exhilarating and therapeutic experience. I also noticed I had nice legs. Hey let me compliment myself haba.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Moving back and forth

I've been thinking of moving back to Nigeria for a while now but at times, i get excited about the thought and other times, I get scared so i decided to weigh my silly options here. I'll be adding from time to time. Sometimes its the silliest things that really matter.

Reasons for moving back to Naija
1. tired of North America.... most aspects, food, taxes etc
2. I truthfully would like to give back to naija. I rather be a big fish in a lil pond than a lil fish in a lil pond...huh?
3. I miss my family
4. Im tired of America,
5. I hate the cold
6. miss naija's Sweet fruits, boli and epa (roasted plantains and peanuts sold on the street)
7. Suya and aboki stores( street corner stores)
8. beginning my path to becoming Nigeria's first female
9. I have a chieftancy title waiting for Iyalode Ajagun rocker
10. wearing layers during winter..i hate it so much

Reasons to stay in america
1. Walmart
2. Walmart
3. Walmart...where in Naija would i get to buy chicken, do a pedicure , get an oil change , buy a hammer, and pepto bismo all in one place for cheap.
4. The fact that I can go anywhere at anytime of the night without worrying about armed robbers. i mean while in naija on holidays everyone is on lock and key after 8pm unless they are staying out at night for the whole night
5. Specialty stores like AC more (craft store), MAC store , Bargain shopping etc
6. Big ass bell peppers
9. NEPA/ PHCN (power company responsible for power cuts and black outs)
10. Heat in Nigeria
11. Road trips. i love traveling by road but not me driving, and lets face i,t there are better roads and sane drivers here
12. Restaurants...not to say there aint restaurants in naija, only that they are almost all the same... not too much variety or fine dining.
13. Things in naija are just too expensive

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Submit to me boo

The word Submissive..... hmmm It seems to be most Naija men's favorite word and the only verse most of them know and remember from the bible....holding on to that passage like their manhood depended on it. This post came as a result of a statement that I made ....that both husband and wife be submissive to each other and it seemed I had over run my mouth with that statement

Below are some verses I'm sure we ladies have heard it drummed in our ears

Colossians 3:18-19 (New International Version)

Rules for Christian Households

18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Ephesians 5:22-33 (New International Version)

Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Now Lets examine the word SUBMIT, SUBMISSIVE, SUBMISSION

Here are a list of dictionary meanings of the words above

  1. unresistingly or humbly obedient
  2. acknowledging one's inferiority
  3. characteristic of a slave or servant;
  4. characterized by tendencies to yield to the will or authority of others
  5. passive
  6. modest
  7. Docile
  8. Subdued
  9. patient etc
So No. 1 says be humbly obedient, so are we saying only the wife is to be humbly obedient and the husband is to be proudly obedient or humbly disobedient????

No. 2 says acknowledging ones inferiority. I mean which man wants to marry an inferiority complexed wife.....does that make the man feel better about himself?

No. 3 says xteristics of a slave and servant. Well just as NO. 2 i don't think anyone wants to marry a slave or a servant or am i being naive here?

No. 4 says yielding to the will and authority. I guess you can say the man is the head of the family and he has the final say after consulting his wife. This one actually makes more sense..

No. 5 thru 9 either should not exist in a marriage (who am i to say) or both spouses should partake in the adjectives.i.e modesty should go both ways and absolutely no one should be subdued unless in fulfilling a sexual fantasy (do i hear dominatrix?)

The point I am trying to make here is that the word submissive is not cut and dry as it has been put out there. And if the bible says wifes do this ...that doesn't mean husbands shouldn't ,for instance the bible also says husbands love and honor your wives...does that mean in return the woman should not do that cos the bible specifically said it to the husbands? I know my reasoning might just be weird but i think that Sometimes, for our own selfish reasons and ego, we choose to take the bible and carve it in our own way ..quoting it to make us feel better when you know Jesus aint mean it that way.

for example

1 Corinthians 14:34 (New International Version)

34women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.


Totally random
Today for the first time, i heard about vibrating panties/pata/pioto/underwear/pant you can buy in the store that have remote controls to set the frequency.....hmmmmm Now that gives an idea for gifts for Vagina Appreciation day

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Toilet seat up or down...Who wins

People...Don't you think life would be better if Men used toilet paper to dab/wipe like females do??? (during number 1)

I mean, I grew up in a house with all kinds of females and we never had the issue of toilet seat up or pee stain drama. There was no guy in the house who left the toilet seat up unless we had some non-conforming male guest. Even my dad had to go with the flow, I mean living with that many women, you better soji yourself.

Moving around and living in various places, the issue of toilet seat being up is such a big deal to me. I guess no one, male or female, wants to touch the seat to put it in the position they want.

So my intelligent advice to all MEN, so our bathroom lives would be better. Instead of flicking, shaking, tossing, jumping, wiggling, rotating or whatever y'all do to get that last drop out.....why not tear out some toilet paper and dab like we females do. You won't have to lift the toilet seat or cause some poor girl to fall in the toilet bowl. Just my little advise. I really don't think it takes away the "man" in you if you'd dab or wipe, I mean its more hygienic and you feel more dry and clean.

So my People again...Don't you think life would be better if Men used toilet paper to dab/wipe like females do??? (during number 1)

Lil Child humor

Long time ago at my church in Nigeria, I saw these to children (a boy and a girl) they probably were about 3 or 4 years old. Now they wanted to go pee and their Sunday school teacher told them to go outside and pee in the gutter...( yeah my church can be razz) So these kids go out to the gutter... the boy stands to pee while the girl hikes her balloon dress and squats to pee. Now the look on the boys face was absolutely shocking as he stares at the girl wondering... then he yell's " WHY ARE YOU WEWEING FROM YOUR BUMBUM" I mean the little boy could just not farthom why she did not stand and aim like he did. Ignorance is bliss!!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Chivalry with Vex Money

As much of a feminist I like to proclaim, I still somewhat love some types of chivalry to its fullest (Hypocrite you might say), Anyway, I remembered growing up in Nigeria and not having to pay for anything at most outings with male friends. You only carry your "vex money" and you're good to go.

For all who don't know what vex money is... Vex money is the money you take with you just incase you decide to vex for the guy and leave him , or the guy vexes for you and he leaves you ...either way someone is vexed and there are still bills to pay or a cab ride home.

Now, I came to this so called "diaspora" lol.. that just sounds funny ...OK i came to America, and all that chivalnonsense pora bi iso ( disappeared like a fart).

My first dilemma was while in Minnesota, a couple of my male African friends had asked me to come with them to a Chinese restaurant to go eat. I said ok, and since I was going with about 4 guys, i felt there was no need for me to take vex money, even if i needed it, I did not have any money. So I went with them and when we entered the Chinese buffet (its the ones you pay first before you eat) and everyone began to do "OYO" (on your own). Chei!!! i just decided to pose and say " you know, i don't really like Chinese food and I don't want to eat here" ( you know Chinese food is too greasy and blah blah blah) . All i know is after that day, I vowed to never leave my house without some type of vex money/card and I thought to my self ...this can never happen to me in naija oh, me go out with a bunch of guys and I'll still be paying....NEVER

Anyway I have always had the school of thought not to be the only one on the receiving end all the time, at least if some dude pays 60% of the time, its my duty to match up with the remaining 40%. That's my policy and I'm sticking to it. However I have found out that this 60% -40% split only works for naija guys in the diaspora and hardly ever works for naija guys in naija. (or maybe only guys i know)

If i do like someone, I'll probably suggest to pay after about 4 dates or Anyway during my naija trip, I hung out with a couple of old male friends i had. Every time we went out, they paid and paid and paid, so after a while, I began to kinda feel like a burden..(i don't know why) but i felt the next time we went out, i'll do the paying. Now when i went ahead and did this stunt as they called it, I was heavily chastised for it and they felt that I was
1. Either trying to flaunt my money ( they totally misunderstood my broke self)
2. I was angry at them and felt i needed to insult them by paying
3. Or America has screwed with my brains

Now my people, KI NI BIG DEAL?? (WHAT THE HELL IS THE BIG DEAL?) After all, i was just trying to play my own part and besides, these are the same guys that complain about "hungry girls" always trying to suck a man dry. I mean I was a little offended that my lil gesture was ridiculed and totally misconstrued.

Another thing I've noticed is when I was in naija and you invite people to your party, as a host and are in charge of feeding and taking care of your guests. However in the , that is not really the case. You either pay for your dinner or pay to drink alcohol...yeah some Brazilian dude threw this birthday bash some 2 weeks ago and decided to collect $10 from his guests before they entered the party.

My people abi... What is all this??? Am I alone here in my thoughts?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My First Tag

Hi y'all, Hope everyone had a wonderful "v" day and presidents day too. My weekend was a weekend missing naija food. ( all i'll say is I'll never ever use frozen spinach for efo riro again...)


OK i think i so broke all rules because i sometimes like to be a non-conformist.


Q & A.

where is your cell phone? on the bed besides me

where is your significant other? on his way

your hair color? Black

your mother? Amazing

your father? Great temperament

your favorite thing? Art, Internet, colored pens

your dream last night? being pampered by my mother (weird i remember)

your dream/goal? Success from making a positive impact

the room you're in? bedroom

your hobby? listening to music while doing art and dancing in front of the mirror

where do you want to be in 6 years? naked on a beach in Taiwan...kidding I'd love to be in Kyoto

where were you last night? At a friends room

what you're not? a girly girl

one of your wish list items? a pent house glass studio overlooking an amazing view

where you grew up? Ibadan

the last thing you did? talking to my parents while taking a

what are you wearing? sweatshirt and underwear

your tv? on

your pet? my art works

your computer? Toshiba

your mood? Relieved

missing someone? yeah a bunch

your car? Toyota Celica

something you're not wearing? Bra

favorite store? Walmart ( where else in the world would you be able to get an oil change, pedicure, buy chicken, hammer and nails at 3 am in the morning)

your summer? Enlightening, learnt more about myself..looking forward to this summer....more things to discover

love someone? Yeah ..before... i think

your favorite color?Green

when is the last time you laughed? 3o mins ago

last time you cried? 2009, when leaving my dad

are you a b*tch? Hell no

favorite past time? being 21, nah dancing in front of the mirror semi nude with heels

are you a hater or a lover? Lover..

are you genuine or fake? Genuine

any vices? plenty

pro life or wire hanger? Life

mccain or obama? Obama

pro plastic or natural? Natural

dream job? President of Nigeria/ Onilu ( band singer)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Random Love Post and a naija love letter

Hey y'all its the season of love again and i felt i needed a post for the period so bear with me ...this would be my most random post ever.

True Love
Over the xmas break when my Dad was critically ill, I looked at all the roles my mum played and I said to myself..."men I have to really love my husband to do all this shit for him" I mean after 34 years...someone should have over pissed someone off to the extent of not caring about the well being of the other...for instance .. A man who's married to a wonderful wife but maltreats his wife in anyway possible by cheating, beating... all manner of abuse and does not provide for the wife, then 30 years later, the man falls critically ill, men I trust myself...well i wont blame the woman for overdosing him with some painkillers, mixing cyanide with his coffee or flat out stepping on the oxygen tube ( I joke oh). I mean she would be very much justified....I don't condone murder or but self defence is ok. So guys treat your ladies well, cos she'll be there for you when you need her the most. (you know men die well before their wives....just a thought.)

Random Love
Today i was chatting with a friend and he said " how is your vday"? the next thing that came to mind was " do you mean how is my Vagina day"? (i really don't know how that popped into my mind) Then i thought..hmmmm what if there's actually a vagina appreciation day... I wonder how that day would be celebrated. I recommend gifts for every functioning vagina....I wonder what type of gifts though.....

Exercise Love
Ok I've been attending this Yogalates (Yoga and Pilates) class for about 2 years now. I have been somewhat faithful to it (its once a week) and i've seen some improvements in my flexibility. Anyway last year the week of valentines day, the instructor introduced some new moves that required some serious pelvic/groin region manipulations. I mean she had us in some gravity defying positions ...concentrating on flexing and stretching the pelvic region. This was the first time she had introduced these new moves and I wondered if it was a coincidence or she was preparing peoples pelvic region for new and exciting positions.( hey hey it was a thought then) But now I am convinced she is preparing her students for vals day!!! she introduced the same positions today and i felt my ass was going to tear...(sorry for being too explicit but i have to really explain my agony) I guess she only introduces these pelvic moves on the week of vals day for a genuine reason.

Letters of Love
I got this email from a polish girl with a Nigerian boyfriend, she saw my naija love letters and wanted to use them. I was happy ..hey if they can create more love..more grease to the letters, so i decided to unleash another one in yoruba. OK i kinda had these few lines a while ago..actually an ex gave them to me .(not in a romantic way oh) he helped me compose them a goes

I wont be putting any accents cos matter how hard i try..they'd still be wrong so why bother... This would be for a girl from her guy..i guess lets call her Suliat from Ayetoro

Suliat Kan,
Mo feran re bi oyinbo tin feran ciga
Iwo ni olori oko mi
Kaka kin fi e si ya bomi lo
mo fe ki o mo pe mo wa leyin ree bii ifo
Dakun fenu kun mi lenu , pemiloruko kosi fami ni irugbon

cash ya larer

Oko afesan re....James

The one and only Suliat
I love you as the white man loves cigarettes
I am all yours
I'll die if I ever leave you
I want you to know that I am 100% behind you like _______ (ok i can't remember what that word means..someone pls help me out)
French Kiss me pls, call my name and pls pull my beard

Catch You Later
Your Fiance......Mr James

Random Question
Ok I was about to enter the elevator from the basement level going to the second floor. I was waiting for the elevator to arrive, when one teacher walked up to me and says "oh let me be lazy and keep you company"
SO my people..was he calling me LAZY for taking the elevator???? I mean i was going 2 flights now!!! Why would be be bringing his wahala and join

Sunday, February 8, 2009

More Stories and all that jazz

Wow, this my trip to naija has made me begin to get blogging laziness...anyway I'm never a quitter so we would see how that pans out. Now speaking of "PAN" heard a new word this week and I felt i needed to share. Anyone heard of a "Pan- Sexual"..yeah thats the new word I learned oh. anyway a Pan sexual is a person who is attracted to all forms of the "sexuals" in other words such a person would do a transvestite, transsexual, transgendered, bisexual, homosexual, metrosexual, hermaphrodite, heterosexual and lots (Don't ask me how I know......someone who works in my office is one.)

One day while in Lagos, I went to pick up something from my brother-in-law on the island. Anyway, the driver and I were stuck in traffic and on getting to a zebra crossing, the driver slowed down to allow pedestrians cross the road. Now these pedestrians had gotten half way when some car drove passed (not stopping ) and almost ran them over. Seeing a perfect opportunity to yell at these useless lagos drivers since we were still stuck in traffic and the guy was in a questionable convertible. I said questionable cos looked quite weird and i mean weird in a horrible way. Anyway I rolled the window down and tried yelling at the guy

Femi B: didn't you see the zebra crossing...
QCCD (Questionable Convertible Car Driver): looking back not hearing me Excuse me..what?
Femi B: I said you just passed the zebra crossing almost...
QCCD: Hello ( probably thinking i was trying to holla at him) I can't hear you
QCCD: Huh? whats that?
Femi B: I said pay attention to the zebra crossing, you almost ran those people over ..
QCCD: (looks back and changes his accent to one conk igbo trader accent) Na.. na... your papa get am?
Femi B: in anger ...OLOSHI ( stupid fool) yes now na my papa draw those lines..stupid fool

Its just funny how many people don't pay attention to road signs and all. another time i went to visit my sister at her office. Now she had been telling me to dress properly and all..(I guess she wanted to show me off, pimp me or her own weird trick to get me to kack up). Now i decided to wear a nice dress and some killer heels. Killer in the sense that men they killed me that day.

Anyway the driver decides to miss the way and drops me like 5 million blocks away from where I was going and silly me got down thinking ..yeah i can do this feet won't kill me too much. Anyway by the time i got to the building about to cross the street ..I thought my feet were going to give way and i was going to die from the excruciating pains caused by the silly man who invented heels.(Im sure it was definitely a guy who invented heels,thongs, push up bras..anything that would make females a living hell)..
Ok I am standing by the zebra crossing waiting to cross the street and no one would slow down for me...i thought..haba I am almost dying... these shoes are going to make me commit suicide ..cos the next thing i did was just cross the street and not care if i was hit. At least if I was hit...the feet pains would go away. I also was not going to run across..hell no in those killer shoes ..tufiaka.
Well as I entered the street, cars began to slow down but those okada bastards.... men they were still coming in full force..but I was not bulging...I go catwalk on this zebra crossing...cos I no fit run. Anyway Okada man then begins to yell at me ..."
you better comot that thing for your leg" men no one in Lagos is patient.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I'm Back and more stories

Praise the lord, I am dad is much better. (He is out of the hospital recuperating) I want to thank everyone for their prayers and warm messages. They all gave me a good feeling during the trying period of my family. Men bloggville is too much

Now I am back in the states and I have a whole lotta gist about my trip. I don't even know how i would begin to spill it. I'd start with the crazy Nigerians i met during this trip...starting from the craziest.

Very obnoxious dude on the plane.

Ok there was this guy quite on the heavy side, all sweaty...wearing a dirty white t-shirt. Baggy jeans that looked like skinny jeans on him. NOw these baggy/skinny jeans was encrusted with rhinestones all on the back pocket. I am trying to take my time to give you a vivid description so you understand my plight
. Anyway this man caught everyones attention because he kept cussing and swearing at the security because some "Belgian" woman was searching him. Anyway he kept yelling throughout the terminal and even in the plane. "fuck shit this is naija..i mean what... bullshit.....yeah naija shit fuck"

Now as i arrived on the plane...i prayed to God pls lord let me not have anyone seating next to me better still let me not have this obnoxious dude seating next to me..... but alas God had plans to humor me. Now obidike (not sure if thats his name but it sounds a lot like his name)was graced to be seating next to yours truly already taking up half of my space. here goes our conversation

Obidike (on seeing me) Jesus!!
Femi B: Why did you say Jesus? there a problem?
Obidike: No nothing..he is my brother and I am calling on him
Femi B: Well He is my brother too ,but you seemed to have shouted Jesus in reference to me *** abi am I that beautiful??***
Obidike: my name is obidike ..(stretches his sweaty hairy arms stinking of beer) Nice to meet you
Femi B: (dying from the stench of old beer and sweat) Hello im Femi B
Obidike : I am from Anambra...where are you from?
Femi B: I am a citizen of the world...i don't reference any country.
Obi: HOw? abeg tell i go fit get that kain dey work for a world organization abi which NGO (Non-profit Org.) you dey work for..abeg show me the way.
Femi B: (laughs uncontrollably) I am only joking, I am only a citizen of the world by heart
Obi: (not getting my joke) please now..tell wetin you dey do to get that kain thing...abeg now
Femi B: ( decides to continue playing the fool) well sorry they don't just give have to walk in my shoes
Obi: (stretches forth his hand and grabs my legs to view my shoes) shey this na the shoe?
Femi B: (appalled at the nerve!!!) Abeg leave my leg wetin cause that kind thing.. and i meant shoes figuratively speaking not literally ok

Then dude goes into a whole speech of how civilization began in anambra and how anambra holds the holies of holies. anyway I decided to raise my feet and place them on the seat in front of me..only to realize..dude had a foot fetish of some sort. Straight he went for my feet and began rubbing...

Femi B: haba what is all this rubbish..( removes my leg forcefully)
Obi: ahah why you dey shakara, please put the feet back
Femi B: (looks around in the full plane for another seat...seems like i'll be seating next to a sexual predator with a foot fetish for the next 6 hours)

We kept battling with the feet and then he tries to start to rub my legs in the process. I wonder where my fire went because i for don whoze am with ifoti to gbona feli feli ( hot slap) but i just choose to be civil and warn him and remove his hand.

Then dude went to sleep and began his snoring feast. I said a quick thank you to God at least he wont disturb me again. only for his hand to be wandering to my thigh and knee trying to rub whilst in deep sleep. Haaaa wetin be this? what is going on in his dreams?? is he sleep rubbing or wetin? I removed his hand and throughout the course of the flight, maybe he did it about 3 times again.

I wondered about my reactions..was i so occupied with the thoughts of leaving my father back in Nigeria in a slightly better condition?, or the fear of what was in stake for me with my landlord since i don dey owe am rent, or school because i had prolonged my stay because of my dad. Too much in my head to want to deal with this pervert of a guy. anyway we got to France and men i ran far away from him not to be seen near him again for the rest of my life.

I kinda asked him what he did in America, because I was curious at what kind of personality he had to hold some type of job and he told me to come to his house to find out...Tufiaka...olorun maje God forbid..thats how i would go there now and then i'll meet a range of cut off human feet nicely displayed on his wall.

Thanks once again for all your messages. I wanted to try and meet some Naija bloggers whilst away but men too much hospital drama and imagine thieves also came to our house in the process. WHEN IT RAINS IN POURS!!!!!

LET ME GO AND TAKE MY ANTI-MALARIA B4 all those mosquitoes begin to send fire e-mails to me from Nigeria