Happy Birthday Mama Beckley

Today is my mums birthday ..and I wish I could be there with her to celebrate it. I have not been with her on her birthday since i moved to America some 6-7 years ago, and i hate that fact. So mummy, heres what I am thinking...............

AS the years passes, I realize that although we have millions of talks and conversations, I have never taken the time and opportunity to thank you for all you have done for me and tell you just how much you mean to me and how much I value our relationship.

As I get older and grow from your little girl, to Femi B... It is you that I must thank for the values and character that have allowed me to achieve the successes and crazy endeavors that I have. I thank you for realizing the importance and value of your encouragement and criticism; they molded my drive , shaped my ambition and toughened my skin. These words taught me to believe in myself and reach for the sky.

It is comforting to know that i have the assurance of your support in ALL my endeavors as well as the benefit of your opinion in all matters concerning my best interest and my idiosyncrasies. I am blessed to have you

You are my Shero and when i grow up..I want to be like you and I see I am slowly becoming your unique self. I love you mummy and I am lucky to have the best mother in the world.

Baba Beckley don't be jealous oh...you know we see now....

Femi B the expert Witness

Finally i am able to share this wonderful experience to y'all. It has been biting me so much, that i have not been able to come up with berra berra posts. so let me explain what this is about

name: Femi B
Job: Expert witness/consultant
Job description: Translating pidgin English to English for the district attorneys office

Ma people..na so i see am oh. I got to work one day and my boss told me that she got a call from the district attorneys office asking if they had any Nigerian individuals in the school that would be willing to translate a Nigerian language. Well, me i said i would do it...you don't know whether one day you might need a favor from the county, so i decided to help out. (u know.. maybe if i do well they fit dash me blue pali..lol)

A couple of days later, I went to the district attorneys office and was introduced to the case and was told what i had to do. A Nigerian individual, i'll call him Pretty Ricky to keep his identity before them wooze me slap. Anyway Pretty ricky had been arrested for some kind of bank fraud (419, yahoo yahoo, forwarding and backwarding..anything u wan call am). Well Pretty ricky was in jail and had been making phone calls from jail and speaking to individuals in pidgin English about the case.

Now as an expert witness, my job was to listen to the phone conversations, transcribe and translate. This was not an easy job as...pretty ricky is from the south eastern part of Nigeria ,meaning he is faster in his pidgin and to make matters worse, he was a stammerer. Anyway i was told i'd be compensated for time spent..so extra money to listen to pidgin....i told the lady "norrin norrin, i go do am'

During all these translating sessions..i kept wondering if i was a sell out Nigerian..helping all these oyinbo people convict my naija bro, especially when i heard him speak with his children who are very very young. Then i thought to myself..these are the people who are spoiling the Nigerian name...that is why anytime i say i am Nigerian, they check my documents 5million times..thats why there are too many hassles at embassies , point of entries, closing business deals and being introduced to your non-Nigerian friends parents. I am sure my naija people in the diaspora know what i mean. It aint easy to be a Nigerian in the international community.

Now the bombshell came when Mrs ADA said i had to testify in court and be infront of pretty ricky and well wishers..them even dash me subpoena (na supina i dey spell am b4 oh ). I was frightened oh, men i can just be walking on the street and one fan of pretty ricky go come give me one gbosa like the one on lg's blog. Then i thought..ahah this na Femi B..... person wey fit do that to me...dem no born am yet....ahah contrary to what you may think..i am a rough neck..lol ..damn i couldn't even complete that statement without laughing. Whatever, i sabi front well well soo...

Now the annoying thing was the compensation..... infact i am angry at the mugu moves i did . Mrs AdA asked me how much i want to be paid but that it has to be through my office in school. Now in my head i am thinking $30/hr but my boss told me to say $10/hr that the office is doing it for like free..??? (ahah na she dey translate? abi na she know all the funds used for me to learn pidgin) anyway i decided to say $12/hr..bolo/mugu move on my part. Then after i signed the contract, i later found out they pay translators $150/hr. Chei...i wan cry well well. I showed my concern .but wetin i go do...i don open mouth yarn nonsense and Mrs ADA sef soji well well. Well next time...once bitten 2x shy.


I appeared in court and it was the most nerve racking..i thought i was the one on trial. Defense attorney was just firing me with this question that question...i wanted to yell at him..ahaha na me fraud commonwealth of Pennsylvania..abeg free me joo. But pretty ricky just dey squeeze face...dey try locate my face..me i dey dodge the stare down like i dey dodge bullet. After i finished the 45 mins cross examination, I just ran out oh....i was shaking like a wet dog.I was supposed to wait and listen to the rest of the case so i can do proper gbeborun to bloggville but men, anxiety catch me and i just left the court....only to meet pretty ricky's kids in the lobby..my heart bled for them oh...oldest must have been like 8 and there were 3 of them.

I might call Mrs ADA later to fill me in on the gist sha.

THATS IT OH.. FEMI B AS AN EXPERT WITNESS....... I need to go find my own bodyguard now...fineboy agbero..how far? i know you fit do that kind job? my inspirational peeps aloted, oluwadee, rita, simeone..abeg please pray for me oh.

News Update!!!
Mrs ADA just called me now now and said the jury said i was the star witness... . Also the story is going to be published in the local papers tomorrow. click here

In the meantime........

No real post update yet, so i have cheated and uploaded pics of my work. I wanted to do a repost..but i thought that would be cheating 100% . In lieu of my much awaited appearance in court, i would leave this only to take back my blog from the unnamed. Stay tuned for Femi B as an expert witness...Law and order here i come.

CREDIBILITY

I really did not want to write further about this issue, but because of the kind of person i am, and some advice from a fellow blogger/friend..I have decided to. The kind of person i am...i totally believe in credibility..One thing i hate the most is to be mistaken or for someone to tell me i did when i did not. Y'all remember my post about Dapo Lam Adesina? "My ordeal with the ram". Anyway..Mr Dapo Lam found my blog..which i am glad he did. Well, he read the posts and was angry about some comments i had made that i reported things wrongly. Now i would list all the issues and analyze it and let y'all be the judge.


1. Ram issue
He (DLA) was mad because i used the word ram when referring to his dad and that i had insulted his dad.
My blog is for fun, i would not disrespect anyones father..those were the names his father was referred to when he was in office. If i wanted to talk about Obasanjo..i would list..oby, uncle sege,king kong etc...as they were the names he was referred to. However i did apologize if he felt i insulted his dad but stated that i would not change what i had written. (stubborn aint I)

2. Awarding Contracts
DLA was angry that i was spreading false rumor that his dad had awarded him a contract and he handled it badly. Abeg, that was what i heard....and I stated that was what i heard..abi if you did not get any contract... just say you did not..and we'll be the judge of either believing you or not. He decided to swear in the name of God to emphasize that it was a cooked up story.. You be the judge.

3. Rude
DLA had accused me of making blogville think he was rude to me with our conversations. Now i don't know how i can do that when i copied and pasted exactly what the conversations were word for word. I did not think he was being rude and i don't think i conveyed the message of him being rude....please blogville you be the judge

4. False information
This is where I was worried...he said i was giving people false information as to what really transpired on the groups forum and one of his friends made a comment on my blog calling me a liar. I repeat again..how can i distort copy and paste messages. Here is the link on the group ***** theres a lot of comments but you can can go look for yourself and be the judge of that.

There are other minor details but i don't want to get into every minor detail. This post is not to point fingers but only to let y'all be the judge if I Femi B, falsified anything.

Who would you vote for?

I have still been posting comments on the facebook group of "The Rams" son, (Dapo Lam Adesina). Anyway, I realized that anytime i wanted to make a comment on the page, i made sure i changed my profile picture to femiB as you can see above. I really wanted to be taken serious and i did not want any distractions from my message. Anyway i stopped making comments on the page and i changed my profile picture to phemmie bee (as you can see above) then recently i got an email from the group and i decided to make another comment . (yes ..i like to talk too much) I pounded on the keys so much that if forgot to change my profile picture to femi b. Then all of a sudden, i was getting friends request from members of the group. I immediately changed my picture back to femi b. (men.. all these changes are just confusing abi haba) Anyhow, there was a comment on the groups wall, asking why i had changed the phemmiebee pic to femi b even though my head was not showing.

Anyway i am not saying i am not proud of sexy phemmie bee (haba! let me be... at least if no one thinks i am..let me think i am) but the fact of the matter is, i think women are not taken seriously when they are dressed in a certain way and the essential message is lost. Do women always have to dress down to be taken seriously? because we all know there are some women who do not need to wear tight fitting, cleavage showing dresses to still look HOT.

That made me think that if Sarah Palin..who is on the vp ticket with John McCain for the US presidential election in November, wore a tight fitting skirt, low cut dress shirt under her blazer and some "fuck me heels" (yes! that term exists and i learnt that term, jan 2008) at the just concluded debate with Joe biden, would she have been taken seriously? Or if hilarysexy Clinton had worn tight fitting dresses, ( that woman gat some booty and hips) would people just focus on her curves and not her message? Anyone ...male or female wondering where to get a pair of "fuck me heels" holla and i'll hook you up good.

Now flipping the script..what if Barack Obamasexy came out as shown above.(sorry this was the quickest photoshop i could do) would he be taken seriously by his male counterparts or would only the female and the gay voters be distracted?
OR AM I JUST FREAKING PARANOID AND NO ONE REALLY CARES HOW YOU DRESS IF YOU INTEND TO BE A POLITICIAN?


Who would you vote for my people...Phemmie Bee or Femi B?........
I AM FEMI B/PHEMMIE BEE .....AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!!!!

Biden and all that Jazz

I am so tempted to do a post of my recent encounter with the office of the district attorney in my county, thats why it has been hard to come up with another topic. I would post the details after the trial is over..all i would say is I was.. and is going to be an expert witness he he he...and to others..i might be unpatriotic...hmmmmm...so Law and Order SVU here i come.
Anyhow, i'll just do a quick post about my meeting with Joe Biden. Ok.it all began on a warm summer morning. ...bird's chirping, butterflies frolicking... squirrels and rabbits shagging..ok Let me stop. I actually woke up labor day morning to go to school and do some work, but as i stepped out of my house..i saw news agents vans..SSS...police...multitudes of people on the street. Hmmm my street that only people half way to the grave reside there.It was great to see most of my neighbours for the first time..all with breathing tanks, scooters, walkers and adult diapers perharps? I wondered why there was so many people and then i asked around and they said Joe Biden was in one of the houses holding a function. For all those who might not know who Joe Biden is...he is the Vice President pick for Obama in the Nov 4 U.S presidential elections. Anyway I was excited that i was going to meet a probable vice president of a country. Well, after two hours of roasting in the hot sun, (who send me message) and these ugly SSS people frisking us...(i thought all SSS were cute...wrong) as if na Biden we go bomb? I mean Joe who? Well he finally came out signed autographs and i caught myself waving back at him....i was mad i did that..i always like to keep my cool ...not like it was Obamasexy or Hillarysexy.

The Crotch or The Cleavage

There was this game show I saw on tv of how people were supposed to go through a hole in the wall..Anyway my issue was that everyone wore this metallic silver body suit to play the game. Now, we know that a metallic silver body suit shows all contours and all protrusions and i noticed my eyes kept wandering to the men's crotch area. I was fascinated at the different curves,lines,shapes..generally all elements of design of that groin region. (I am into arts oh) Then i had an AHA moment and realized why most men never pay attention to the face when having a conversation with a female wearing a low cut shirt. I realized that it was very fascinating to see just the different groin area sizes and i realized cleavage also comes in different sizes so maybe thats why they get stared down more.

First of all i am wondering if my weird assumptions are true or are there more reasons to why eyes wander? I would also like to do more research on that area and would love if all men wore metallic silver bodysuits so they know exactly how it feels when people do not pay attention to the face but look at a significant part of the body while in conversation.


Another rant
After my ongoing conversation with the RAM, i decide to put up some statement on my facebook status saying " Why do i have to be a man to sound intelligent" Now i have had it for about a week up, and i've been getting many messages ONLY from guys either agreeing,disagreeing, appologetic, or giving explanations to why that is. I wondered if ALL men actually feel sorry about sexism and gender inequalities. Mind you no female made mention of my status statment...maybe they agreed in silence or disagreed in annoyance..i'll never know.

I really don't like doing blog public service announcement on here but....

Heres a blog y'all should try out...really nice writing style http://osopimping.blogspot.com

My Ordeal with the Ram...lol

I had previously wanted to do a post on witches and all that Jazz but since wellsbaba beat me to it..lol the post flew out of my brain. Actually it was about the prevalence of witches in naija/ Africa (ok when next i say naija..i mean the whole of Africa...does that sound ignorant?) ok ..i repeat the prevalence of witches in naija and the lack there of or lack of fear of them here in the so called western world.

Most naija people fear witches or evil people..in that when people are traveling they don't tell people, when women are pregnant they don't tell... until they show and when they show..they remain in doors. Receiving sprayed money at wedding is wahala...not because of EFCC but because of the fear of an evil spirit prophesying evilness into the money and slamming it on your dancing face. So many superstitions and so many fear of this and that and this ana...
However, in the west ( i would speak for the US since thats where i am based), people are not really afraid of witches...even naija people..they are more open to say when their due date is or the sex of their baby....they'd tell you everything and not worry about witch A or witch B that would eat their babies or fry their ovaries.

SO my question is... are these witches just naija based or the ones here are on a different level..cos frankly i think all them fortune tellers and madames...are witches in some way.

OK i think i did a good job in trying to remember my post sha but i'll add some ranting.....ok i got this facebook invitation to a group called Dapo "Lam" Adesina for House of Rep. for Oyo state..2011. NOW any of you who don't know, Dapo "Lam" Adesina...he is the son of former Governor of Oyo state, Lam Or Lamidi or Ram Adesina....but those were the names he was known by when he was in office. Now i've heard silly stories of this young Dapo Lam guy of how his dad awarded him contracts and he handled it "badly"..thats all i'd say for now. Anyway, i was kinda mad, so i wanted to blast him on this facebook group thing..then i saw how others were blasting him and some praising him also..its a weird group.
Anyway, I decided to be tactful and give him the benefit of the doubt that he might just do some good...but i tried not to bulshit..i'll post our conversation

Femi Bwrote

at 8:08pm on August 31st, 2008

All i'll say is i hope you don't bullshit...I hope your intension's are genuine unless..... there would be repercussions. I would not say your dad was that great of a GOv, cos frankly there have been more useless GOvs in Oyo state, so its hard to compare. Notwithstanding, one cannot punish you for sins your dad may or may not have committed. Its up to you to determine if you'd create a great name for yourself and not hide under daddies agbada. I dont seem to hear too many great stories about you...but I guess thats why you have to prove them wrong. I like your ambition...just dont screw it up...prepare yourself well well and stop with the" que sera sera" nonsense . If someone asks you for a manifesto...prepare a damn manifesto even if we are still in 2008

someone had asked for a manifesto and his answer was que cerra cerra..(what will be will be)...WTF!!

Dapo Lam Adesina wrote
at 4:24pm on September 2nd, 2008

Mr femi beckley thanks for the comments.Taken note of the points.A manifesto on facebook dont u think i wld be a clown.i have heard a lot bout u 2.Is your father Chief bayo beckley?Bodija,ibadan.besides former cottons club?very interesting


Imagine the lad had the audacity to call me a MR. and say he 's heard about me???

Femi B wrote

at 5:32pm on September 3rd, 2008

Mr Dapo "Lam" Adesina frankly i think you should loose the "lam" but hey ..its not my business. Anyway you might not be a clown, but you do crack jokes as I am not a MR. I am 100% all FEMALE. You are correct about your assumptions. however, you dont need to put a detailed manifesto on Fb... All i was saying was if u indeed have good intentions(manifesto/platform) for Oyo state, tell that guy what they are ..vaguely . for instance...nah let me stop ..you never know i might be your opposing candidate for rep...lol

At least he could have stated Oyo states pertinent issues that he is passionate about and given a summary of how he might tackle it..or just list the issues facing oyo state...i mean what exactly makes you want to represent Oyo state in Abuja???

Dapo Lam Adesina wrote
at 5:05am yesterday

femi i am very sorry i reffered to u as masculine.Hope my apologies are accepted?I really do appreciate ur comments.i wont mind having you as my opponent,sure it wld be a smooth ride 4 me....lol.watch out when the time comes for the real manifesto and not some child play on fb.i can assure u i av very pure intentions and the Lam thing i cant cos i am proud of it.The questions i am sure ur pop knows a lot bout my fathers achievement cos he was a local government chairman when my pop was n govt.Hope that answers.thank u so much,u are appreciated


In ma mind.,.apology accepted..but wetin concern my dad.. with the price of fish in Onitsha ? and saying I'd be a smooth ride...now i indeed wanted to bring out my viscious feminist side and eat him alive....but then again i thought that i'll only unleash the feminist bitch in me when it is absolutely necessary...i dont want people thinking I am those feminists that burn bras and dont shave their armpits and legs.....and i still strongly believe in chivalry...lol
Anyway i also want to give him the benefit of the doubt that the reason he said it would be a smooth race for him if i ran against him ..would not be because I am FEMALE........

Imagine other people replying me and saying oh I have guts for a woman....are u saying women dont have guts? Anyway I just thought i'd share...Funny enough when i told my father about the posts...he said he was proud of me probably cos i have shown interest in politics unlike my siblings.

***I wrote this post while attending online church...witches May fire continue to consume you amen*****

Yoruba Novelty Card draft

My first try at making a Yoruba novelty card.
Front card- Olomi jojolo (my little darling)
Inside card- Je kin fi owo ba e je (Let me use money to spoil you)





Click image to enlarge

Camping Trip

Last weekend i went camping with my house mates. I have never gone camping before (the real one) and i suddenly developed an interest when GNG had blogged about it.

I headed of to Maunch chunk lake in Pennsylvania, an hour and a half drive away from me. It was really a drive through the woods. At several times i got so scared because i was the only one on a narrow road with trees high as the sky for about 15 mins. I mean ...you could barely even see they sky. Anyway i got there and i had missed the rock climbing, hiking and bike riding experience..i was a little bombed about that, but then again, when i tried to picture my self trying to lift my behind on a rocky mountain...i laugh and thank God i missed it.

We got to the camp site and sat around the fire eating steak, boiled clams and playing music. I had the drums to beat on (i guess i was the only black person there, so i had to show my rhythmic skills). After, we played some weird game called slack line. Its where you tie a rope to two trees and try to steadily walk on the rope without falling. Chei!, i tried it oh , but as i put one leg on it..my whole body was just giggling..like i was dancing shina peters. After 5 trys, I gave up so as not to embarrass my dear self. We ended the night and went to sleep and it was the most uncomfortable sleep I've slept in a while. I did however wake up with a toad in my tent hopping away. I wonder if it was supposed to be my prince charming.....now i will never find out oh, cos it did not wait for me to kiss it...stupid frog.

I did have a very calming time away from civilization, but i couldn't help but think what a different experience i would have had if i had gone with my Naija crew...men we would have had some serious fun. First of all the food would have been slamming, i mean i can bet my life that someone would have cooked at least jollof rice. (you hear cook outs and BBQ's and some how...J-rice just has to find its way in)

I also know we would have had some stimulating argument on naija politics or Obama or We would have done our own Karaoke to Yahooze or Gongo aso.

Anyway I owe this experience to Good naija girl , cos she got me thinking about the whole camping thing. Maybe someday we would get to camp in Canadarrrr ..lol( i have a friend who says canadar with the rolling R and Eforr too...weird)